


I keep it together, So I don't fall apart.

by OnyourRadar



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: A sister Demaury, Abuse? Not detailed really., Alcohol Abuse, Angst, Angst with a happy ending? Maybe, Drinking, F/M, He keeps secrets, I can't leave my boys hurt., I'm not very nice to Lucille., Love them too much., Lucas is great at side stepping a topic., M/M, Mama Lallemant - Freeform, Man these Tags..., Marriage, Mental Illness, Miscommunication, OFC - Freeform, OMC - Freeform, Pining, Swearing, The Demaury's, The more I reread my work the more I realize, This one is for all my angst whores out there., Yann is a best friend., You'll get your fluff ending., mentions of self harm, sorry not sorry., the bestest, this is kinda a childhood friends to lover AU, yeah sounds about right
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-11-14
Packaged: 2020-07-11 14:47:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 29,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19929817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnyourRadar/pseuds/OnyourRadar
Summary: "No. No weddings for me. I'm never getting married." Because there is no point in marrying someone who isn't the one that has your heart. He ignores the pointed look that Yann sends his way. He excuses himself and heads back in, towards the bar. One more drink he promises himself. Then he'll head home.--or--Lucas is getting tired of all the wedding talk. All his friends are getting married. Where does that leave him.





	1. In my memories you float on through

**Author's Note:**

> SO my other WIPs are wrapping up nicely and I realized I've been writing fluff or a semblance of it for the last two days....so my angsty ass self needed to write something that wasn't fluff. 
> 
> I originally posted the first 700 words of this on tumblr-- to get my feelers out there-- but the more I looked at the more I felt like I wanted to write more. So I did. It is finished. And I'll post it in two parts. 
> 
> My POVs and Tenses are all fucked up in this fic because I do mix flashbacks and present moments and recollections so I'm sorry but not sorry?
> 
> And because I've had some who asked, I'm bluronyourradar on tumblr, but I don't really post anything. The only thing you'll see on that page is the occasional posts of my art and snippets of my fics. Disclaimer is that I'm really not an artist but I like to have fun so be kind? 
> 
> AS always I would reallllly like to read your thoughts so leave a comment? I would greatly appreciate it. It's food for my soul. Thanks

He holds the champagne bottle in one hand, bottom pressed close to his chest. The neck chilled. In his other hand, Lucas grips the smooth handle of a butter knife. The fine silver a heavy weight in his hold. 

He can almost hear the sharp intake of breath in the room as he slides the knife up and up the neck of his $500 bottle of _Veuve Cliquot_. But Lucas has practice. All those years of college parties coming to fruition in this one instance. He aims the bottle and flicks his wrist just right and the resounding pop as the cork flies into the air cause claps of surprise and shock. Cheers light up the room and all Lucas can do is trace the trajectory of the cork when it flew away from him. 

The flight in slow motion. He ignores the gentle undulation of the bubbly liquid spilling over, drenching his fingers and splashing onto his well tailored slacks. 

Today, he joins in the celebrations with his motions and his words. Because today, the love of his life, man of his dreams, the only person to ever understand him so thoroughly since their fateful meeting when Lucas was twelve, one Eliott Demaury was finally, finally getting married. 

And he hasn't recovered from the news. Has yet to let it sink in since the announcement of the engagement to all their friends. Still unable to comprehend as Lucas gets a suit tailored for himself, to clean up nicely for the occasion. Mind adrift as he attends rehearsal dinners. Writes his speech, and tells Eliott, "Yes, yes!"

_Of course I'll be your best man._

His tongue sticks out the corner of his mouth, lips quirks up in a small smile. Before the night even starts Lucas goes and buys the best bottle of champagne his empty pockets can afford. Because the last drink he shares with the man who keeps the metaphorical key to his everything in his grasp without even knowing, has to be the best before Eliott becomes a taken man. 

And Lucas pours champagne into two long flutes--beautiful glass flutes that are far fancier than Lucas is used too-- and passes one to Eliott. 

He's already said his speech, drawing on all the embarrassing stories his mind and heart can muster up and share without breaking down in front of all the guests, friends, and family. He doesn't tell them that he deserves that spot next to Eliott. That he's known Eliott at his best and at his lowest, that he knows better than the wife to be, Lucille, how to make sure Eliott can survive the roller coaster that is his life. 

Instead, Lucas holds up his champagne flute out for a toast as he stares at his best friend. 

"To Eliott and Lucille… may your days be a flow of uninterrupted, unfiltered, pure and simple love ...Because you deserve only the best." His voice cracks and he feels the thickness that tries to suffocate him. So Lucas does the only thing he can think of. He tips his head back and brings the drink to his lips gulping at the fine champagne like he was parched. 

His words are colored with the cheers of their friends. He wipes at his lips and hides the pained smile as he hears Basile's pointed cheering from halfway across the banquet hall. He doesn't look back at Eliott, unable to handle seeing the lazy contentment there on the angles of his face. 

So Lucas looks anywhere else so he can keep himself together. Because that's one thing he is good at. Keeping things together until he is away from peering eyes. He looks down at the phone on the table. Its 8:30. He still has the night to waste before he can get away. 

He pours himself another glass of champagne. 

…….

Lucas recalls when at 16, he listened so intently as Yann went on and on about how he was more than ready to propose to Chloe. They sat on his bed heads floating and eyes staring, red and blank, at the ceiling. 

"You're 16 Yann. And Chloe's young. You think she'd wanna settle down? Plus... what's so great about weddings anyways."

"You mean you've never been to one?"

Lucas shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. His eyebrows went up not realizing what the big deal is.

"Oh man, you're missing out. Dude weddings are the best"

Lucas didn't know why but he smiled at the thought of Yann planning out his own wedding. He never took his friend to be such a romantic sap. 

"I can just picture it. Chloe walking down the aisle in a beautiful dress--"

"How do you know it'll be beautiful?"

Yann's quiet for a second. His tongue smacking against the roof of his mouth eyes still unblinking. 

"Because...because she'll be wearing it." When Yann said this he flipped over, lying on his stomach and rested his chin on his folded arms. 

"And everyone would enjoy themselves, getting drunk. I'll have my mom and son dance that'll be followed by the first bride and groom dance of the night. And everyone will have to watch as I twirl her all around the dance floor." Yann had a goofy smile on his face as he fantasized about his perfect day. 

Lucas rolls over on his side, arms hugging his stomach as he choked on his laughter. His fingers wiped away the stray tears that leaked from the corner of his eyes. 

"Shit, what's so funny Lulu?"

"Oh my God….can you- oh god can you imagine me having my mother and son dance?" 

Lucas let out another round of barking laughter to which Yann responded with a snicker of his own. If the sounds coming from Lucas were slightly self deprecating Yann did wonders and said nothing, though his eyes cleared up a bit. 

He pointedly gave Lucas time to wipe away the tears that spilled a little too freely once the laughter died down.

"No, no. That'll be a disaster in the making for you and mama Lallemant. We'll have to replace it with something like the Best Man dance or something."

Yann sat up, eyes wide. "Dude, seriously though. I'm gonna have a best man dance now and it'll be me and you. And you'll have one and it'll be me and you again." He grabbed Lucas by the wrist and and Lucas let himself be dragged to a standing position. 

"Let's practice."

Lucas keeps that memory close, the vision of Yann leading him in a dance around the room that evening, the raucous laughter bouncing off the walls. Yann shouting and Lucas answering in kind. 

_"1 and 2 and 1 and--Lucas! No the other foot"_

_"Well stop stepping on my feet! And what do you mean the other foot?"_

_"Are you sure you know what you're doing?"_

He never got that Best Man dance that summer. Chloe and Yann having broken up 6 weeks later. And instead of moving fluidly, dressed to the nines on a dance floor like they had imagined for themselves, Lucas brings with him two bottles of vodka he swiped from his father's liquor cabinet, and meets Yann shot for shot the night the lovebirds called it quits for good. 

Two years later Lucas talked the nerves out of Yann, 18 and nervous as all hell, as he prepared to take Emma as his lawfully wedded wife. He clapped his best friend on the shoulder with his free hand as the other gripped his rapidly buzzing phone. 

"Thanks man…" Yann closed his eyes and shook off the nerves that he felt, fingers wiggling. "You gonna get that?" Yann nodded his head at Lucas' buzzing phone. 

Lucas stared blankly at his phone and the flashing name _'DAD'_ flashing on his home screen. He shook his head. 

"If it's important, he'll leave a message."

"Lucas, c'mon we need to get to our place." Lucas turned his eye to Eliott, who stood by the door, long fingers bracing his weight on the frame. He ate up the sight of him in a dark grey pinstripe suit, an exact duplicate that all the groomsmen wore for this day. 

"Yeah, I'm coming." Eliott smiled at Lucas and turned to look at Yann. 

"Handsome as always Cazas." Yann breathed a laugh at the taller boy. 

Lucas wiggled his eyebrows at Yann. "A compliment coming from him." When Eliott rolled his eyes and walked away flipping the other two off, Lucas laughed. 

"When do you plan on telling him?" 

Lucas raised a brow, a play on being dumb that he had perfected by this time in his life. 

"Don't know what you mean?" 

"The fact that you are head over heels in love with him?" 

Lucas sighed and approached his best friend. Yann and Eliott shared that spot and maybe Yann had a bit of seniority since they'd been neighbors since the tender age of 6, but Eliott knew things that Yann didn't know and Yann knew things Eliott didn't know. 

He was content keeping this topic a Yann and Lucas secret for the time being. 

"Yann," he ran his hand down the smooth material of Yann's suit collar. "Not everyone appreciates being told that their best friend is deeply and madly in love with them. It worked for you and Emma but I don't think it would go over so smoothly for Eliott and me." He patted Yann on the cheek, leaned up and kissed him. 

"I'll let you lead in the romance department."

He was interrupted by the buzzing of his phone again, to which he rolled his eyes. 

"Maybe I should take this just so he stops calling."

"Don't duck out until we've had our Best Man dance, you hear?" Lucas blew a kiss in his friend's direction. 

"Yes dear!" 

When he answers the call he's away from all supports. He spends a little too long hiding in the stalls of the fancy hotel bathrooms. By the time he is ready to face everyone again he'd received multiple messages from Eliott asking him where he was. 

He straightened his legs, his shoes clicked loudly on the tiled floor. He checked once then twice to ensure he looked normal and made it time for his entrance, the MC having announced the best man and maid of honor. 

He held onto Manon's elbow tighter than intended as they both waved and bowed to the guests and family members. 

When he is lined up, next to Yann, his dark skinned friend shot him a concerned look. 

But he waved him off, he dodged Eliott's question of _"dude where the hell have you been"._ When it was time for his Best Man dance with Yann, it took everything in him to hold it together. When Yann tried to push it while their chosen song played Lucas almost broke and it took his quiet begging to get Yann to back off. When the song ended Lucas pulled Yann into a crushing hug and he clung to him but said nothing. He collected himself enough so that when he pulled away he was smiling brightly, genuine.

But the words played in his head over and over throughout the night yet his eyes remained dry. 

_"Lucas, your mother passed away this morning… t-they found her unresponsive. They think it was self inflicted ...Lucas. Baby, I don't know what to do... I don't know what to do."_

His father's sobbing was the only music that played for him that night. He smiled and clapped when Yann shared his mother son dance. He was the first to holler loudly when the bride and groom swept the room with their first dance as husband and wife.

Lucas still remembers the fight he has with Yann and their group of friends three weeks later. 

_"Why didn't you tell me!"_

_"And what? Ruin your fucking wedding and your honeymoon?"_

_"I think her fucking **funeral** is more important than a little trip! We could have postponed!" _When Yann shouts and swiped his hand at the glass cup on the table Lucas flinched at the sound of it breaking as it hits the floor. 

Yann rubbed fiercely at his eyes and shrugged the comforting hand off his shoulders, Emma didn't seem to mind and understood his anger. 

_"I don't understand why you're so angry."_ The funeral was his father in a wrinkled suit, Lucas in the same suit he wore to Yann's wedding, the priest, and his mother in a box in her best dress. Lucas couldn't bring himself to cry when she looked so peaceful when they laid her to rest.

_"W-why I'm so angry? Why **I'm** so angry? Are you kidding me, you selfish fuck. You can't fucking understand? Mama Lallemant is go-"_

_"She's my mother."_

_"What?"_

_"She is my mother, she is my fucking mother. My mama... **mine** " _

It was the first time in all the years of their friendship that Lucas broke down so utterly in front of his friends. Not one of them corrected his use of the present tense too drawn by the fat tears that dripped down his face and chin. He felt his heart break again since hearing the news. The mantra of _"mine"_ spoken over and over, through his crying. His little body shook from his sobs. When Eliott stepped forward, quiet until that moment, he grabbed a hold of Lucas and let him cry into his shirt without complaint. 

The fight was dropped but never forgotten. 

His first Best Man dance was tainted. And now he feels it being taken away again on this night.  
A wedding night that Lucas thinks, in the deepest corners of his mind, should rightfully be his. 

Lucas would give anything to sweep Yann around the room, then dance alongside his mother who should be there to share in what would have been the happiest day of his life. 

Instead it wasn't. It wasn't anything like what he imagined for himself. Instead of being the one to guide his mama on the dance floor Lucas counted the steps as Eliott twirled his own beautiful mother around. 

Mrs. Demaury beautiful in her golden dress and black heels. Lucas swore after that fight with Yann he would do better at keeping it together. So when Lucille steps forward and meets Eliott halfway on the dance floor, Lucas is angry at himself for feeling the familiar lump in his throat and pinpricking sensation behind his blue eyes. 

He turns to Yann when he feels the tapping on his shoulder. 

"How you doing?" Lucas sends a watery smile but says nothing. 

"The truth please?" He doesn't hear Yann beg often so when it comes out Lucas finds it hard to deny his friend. 

"It feels like...like I swallowed fire and everything is burning. And my chest hurts so much Yann."

His best friend says nothing for a second, only leaning his head on Lucas' shoulder to give him a sense of solidarity. 

"Love does that to us, Lucas."

Lucas chuckles. "Really?I just thought that it was like...acid reflux or something." He chuckles as Yann swats at him. 

At the sound of applause all around them, Lucas brings his eyes back to the dance floor and wishes he hadn't because he looks just in time to see Eliott holding Lucille as he kisses her deeply. 

When they pull apart, the DJ announces that the floor is opened for anyone and everyone so Lucas reaches down and grabs Yann's wrist. 

"Let's dance." **Give me some happy memories to take home tonight.**

......

Lucas slips away from the dance floor as the sweaty bodies dressed in gowns and tuxes get to be too much for him. He runs a hand through his hair and can only imagine how his hair sticks up in every direction. He heads to the bar and grabs two cups of vodka on the rocks. Not his first drink tonight. Nor his second or his last.

The room remains on its side as he sets his sights on the outdoor balcony and makes his way over stumbling the slightest over his own tired feet. He could use the fresh air. When he opens the large French doors, he is surprised to see both Eliott and Lucille sitting inches apart voice low and engaged in what was obviously a heated argument. Their voices quieting when they see him.

"My lovebirds! What's happening?" He walks over and bends at the waist to drop a kiss on Elliott's cheek and does the same for Lucille. Lucille looks at Eliott. A look, her eyes wide and hands gesturing to the both of them, as if to say _see, what did I just say?_

Eliott purposefully doesn't respond and instead smiles up at Lucas in greeting. 

"Hey, having fun in there?" 

Lucas leans on the railing across from where the two sit. His clouded eyes bouncing between the two of them. 

"Oh yeah, this place is fucking great? Beautiful. Such a lovely venue." He rambles because he feels the heat in Lucille's eyes. "It's a far cry from that backyard wedding you wanted when you proposed to me, right?" 

From the way Lucille's eyes widen Lucas thinks he never should have said that. Never told her something so personal even if it was a memory of the past. A silly proposal said between teenagers jokingly. 

"Yeah, Lucille chose this." There's an edge in Eliott's voice, as he changes the subject, that Lucas chooses to ignore. 

"That's because you can't make any right decisions." Although a smile is on her face her words are biting and Lucas recognizes the way Eliott narrows his eyes, so he does his best to intervene. Because that look never ends well from his experience. 

"Well, he decided to marry you right?" He's grinning at the two of them but neither acknowledge his attempt of dispersing the tension. 

"I guess that's one thing." Lucas wants to jump her, wants to make her eat those words back up and he wants to take needle and thread to her plump lips and sew them shut so he doesn't need to hear her voice again. 

Maybe it was something in the way Eliott clenches his fingers on his trousers. Or how Lucas downs his vodka so quickly but his tongue is loose and the words are out before he can stop them. 

"Well someone is being a particularly bitchy princess on her wedding night." He puts the first cup down and picks up the second one. 

"And what the fuck is that supposed to mean?" When Lucille stands, the ruffles and feathers of her gown shake as if responding to her anger.

Lucas imagines that she looks like a very beautiful but angry bird. 

"What I mean," and he pauses to take a large sip of his drink. " is for you to look around. This should be a perfect night for you and you both are out here arguing instead of enjoying yourselves!" 

**I would have been happy with a simple backyard wedding.**

"Well, sorry that this isn't the perfect little backyard wedding you were hoping for." 

Shit. He'd said that out loud. 

She approaches him and holds out her left hand for him to look at. Her ring finger is decked out in a thick band sparkling with diamonds. 

"Look closely and remember it." 

**It's sort of ugly. Shit did I say that out loud?**

The resounding slap of her hand on his cheek makes him think he really had said it out loud. 

"Ugly or not just remember, he proposed to me and not you. He said yes to _me."_

"Lucille!" 

Eliott's shout doesn't stop her as she enters the building. Lucas is holding his cheek in shock when Eliott turns to look at him. 

He looks torn from going to comfort his friend and chasing after his wife. So Lucas helps him out by laughing. 

"Shit. I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking, but you should go after her." He gestures with his chin and Eliott doesn't use words but he says everything he needs to with his eyes. 

To which Lucas nods. When he can't see Eliott through the French doors anymore, he turns to look out at the grounds beneath him. He nurses his vodka as he thinks about how everything around him looks so extravagant. More than what he would ever expect for a wedding. 

_"Lucas marry me!"_ Lucas remembers how Eliott's voice rings out in his sleep induced brain. When his eyes opened that day, he noticed a red string tied to his ring finger a matching one similarly tied to Eliott's own ring finger. 

He laughed so hard that day when he registered what Eliott had asked. The both of them lying in bed smiling like idiots. 

_"What type of ring is this anyway? No."_

_"No? But I'll plan the perfect wedding for us. What do you want?"_

_"A backyard wedding. And we'll have it in the fall, we can have a cookout and hang some of your mom's fairy lights everywhere."_

_"I can do that."_

_"And we'll borrow Yann's ipod and create our own playlist. "_

_"It'll be perfect."_

_"I mean sure, but I already said no Eliott…"_

Had he known that was the only chance he had, the only time Eliott would offer, the closest to a proposal from Eliott, he never would have said no. He would have said yes and held on so tightly. 

But Lucas did what he does best and fucked up his only chance without even realizing it. He stuffs his hand in his pocket and pulls out his keys where he can clearly see the dangling red string. A small loop of red twine worn and weathered. 

He's kept it all these years. Nine to be exact. Being thirteen and proposed to by a fifteen year old Eliott was the highlight of his summer. In his drunken haze, Lucas pulls at it harshly and the string unravels. He holds it in his palm before he drops it there, on the balcony floor. 

He couldn't keep holding onto the past. So he decides then and there, with his vodka addled brain to let it go. 

When he tries to make his way back in he runs into Yann and Emma. 

"Hey, Lucas!" He smiles brightly at Emma. 

"Hi, Em. Having fun?"

She nods her head and reaches to adjust her gown. "Yeah. But it's a little stuffy in there. I just can't believe all of our friends are getting married."

Yes. Of course. He doesn't forget how Basile and Daphne announced their engagement two weeks prior and pretty soon it leaves just Lucas and Arthur the mantle of being single in their circle of friends. 

"When are you announcing your wedding?" There's laughter in her voice because Lucas isn't seeing anyone and hasn't seen anyone seriously for sometime now. 

He shakes his head adamantly. 

"No. No weddings for me. I'm never getting married." Because there is no point in marrying someone who isn't the one that has your heart. He ignores the pointed look that Yann sends his way. He excuses himself and heads back in, towards the bar. One more drink he promises himself. Then he'll head home. 

Home to where he can nurse as much alcohol as his heart desires and he can curl up on his couch, under the warmth of blankets. Alone. 

…..

"Lucas!"

At the call of his name Lucas turns and does his best to ignore the tilting of the world. He'd placed the tumbler glass on the bar and dropped a hefty tip just seconds before. 

It isn't the first time tonight the thought crosses his mind that perhaps he shouldn't have drank so much. 

"You're not planning on leaving without a proper hello and goodbye are you young man?" 

The voice is slightly discombobulated amongst the rest of the noise but Lucas breathes in deeply before refocusing his eyes. 

He sees the two approaching him and he can't help but smile at the two ladies he didn't want to see tonight. 

"Eloise and mama Demaury, it's been too long."  
He goes in and hugs the two relishing in the warmth of their bodies and the comfort of their arms around him. 

"I think he's a little drunk mama." 

Lucas has to close his eyes as he chuckles. He felt his stomach lurch as he holds up his hand, his fingers resting inches apart. 

"Just a little." It's not too bad. He hasn't started slurring just yet. But he smiles over at Eloise. 

She looks beautiful in her floor length baby pink gown that falls off the shoulders. She tilts her head at his gestures and smiles, her short curly hair flops to cover one blue-green eye. He can't believe she is already 18. 

His breath catches at the resemblance she has when smiling in such a way that her laugh lines, a Demaury trait, stands out under the fluorescent lights. 

"You both look so stunning tonight." the compliment is easy because it is true. Mama Demaury's blonde hair falls over her shoulders in beautiful finger waves and the minimal make she has on simply highlights her beauty. The only splash of color comes from the bright red lipstick and golden gown that hugs her body.

"You clean up pretty well yourself, Lucas don't be humble." Mrs. Demaury laughs lightly, shoulders bouncing and eyes closing. When she looks at him again, her eyes are soft. The softest a Demaury has looked at him in years he is sure. 

"Tell me, how's your father doing?" Lucas inwardly sobers, he misses them. Deeply. But he wishes that they weren't so kind so as to feel the need to ask about the well being of everyone. 

He knows that she knows the state of his father, having spent so many years lingering like a welcomed shadow in her home as a teenager. But Lucas knows she means well and the unveiled question is _how are **you** doing?_

But he doesn't know how to answer as his tongue grows heavy, his throat closes, and his eyes feel like they are burning. 

Because how is he to feel as he stands in front of the woman he has been calling mama since he turned thirteen and the beautiful young lady that he considers a sister in all senses. At a wedding that wasn't dedicated to him getting married to Eliott. At a wedding where Eliott declared his love to another person that was _definitely_ not Lucas. 

"Peachy, everything's peachy." He swallows thickly and pretends he doesn't see Eloise send her mother a concerned look. 

"Lucas…"

"Mama Demaury I should go. Eloise was right. I am very drunk and should probably go before I decide to grab another drink." He tries to smile but somehow it comes out as a grimace and he's aware. 

"Lucas, darling. Don't be a stranger. I miss having you come to dinner. Tell me you'll stop by...let's say this Sunday? I'll cook your favorite?" Lucas forces himself to nod his head. He leans in and kisses her cheek his voice wet but he is thankful that neither say anything regarding it. 

"I would love that and I wouldn't miss it for the world." He hugs them both once more before turning, a little quickly, and making his way out of the building. One hand rests in the pocket of his slacks and the other holds his phone as he slowly types a message out--which proves to be very difficult when the letters are small and moving-- Yann letting him know he is leaving. He sends a cute little emoji of clinking champagne glasses to Eliott and nothing else.

He thinks about the fact that he has plans to see Eliott's mother. He stopped going over regularly two years ago when his mother passed away, the guilt eating at him. He'd always been so enthralled by Mrs. Demaury, going so far as wishing he had a mother who was as beautiful, as _normal_ as Mrs. Demaury. Meals at Eliott's was always something he looked forward to. And Mrs. Demaury doted on him with so much love his little brain could pretend that it was real for a second if he closed his eyes tightly enough.

But he realized that all the wishing, all that wanting for it to be real was simply his need for him to have his mother well again. It wasn't fair to her. With her passing Lucas found himself wishing he could trade all those dinners at the Demaury's just to have his mama back for one day. He shakes his head at the hopeless thinking.

"Lucas wait!" He turns, quickly his body cutting the warm night air with his sharp movement. 

"Eloise... What's up?" 

"You're words tonight." She's breathing out of sync, her chest moving faster than normal and her lips parted. "It was.. I-it shouldn't have. " she closes her eyes and breathes in deeply. 

"Eliott is a fucking idiot." 

Maybe it was the fact that Lucas watched Eloise grow up, watched her since she was nine years old, but the harsh language that she drops makes Lucas' eyes grow wide. 

"This...whatever the hell this is," she gestured wildly at the building, the air. The people mingling around. "This never should have been it. It never should have been her." Eloise looks like she's about to cry so Lucas steps close and holds her by the shoulders. 

"Hey, hey… it's okay. It's going to be okay." She shakes him off and slaps his hands away letting out a huff of frustration. 

"Stop acting like you're okay, like it's all okay. Anyone with a brain and eyes in there can see you're not fine."

He's left gaping at her and he feels guilt that her mascara is running down her face on her brother's wedding night. But he doesn't attempt to touch her again. His hands slack by his side. 

"Eloise. Please...please stop crying." He feels his eyes begin to water at the sight, a sucker for Eloise's tears ever since they were children. 

"Fact is...it's not me in there. It's not going to change anything. I love Eliott with everything that I am Eloise. You know that, I know that, and fuck I think Eliott knows that but that's not going to change that tonight….tonight is not my night and it's never going to be."

**I would have loved to give everything to be an official part of the family.**

To be one _Lucas Demaury._

"Eloise, go back inside." He stepped up close to her and she, like the rest of her family dwarfs him in height. But he reaches up and wipes away at the black stains on her cheeks lovingly.

"Enjoy the rest of the night, and when it's all over, give him a kiss on the cheek for me and tell him it's from me would ya?" 

She nods her head and gives him a watery smile, hiccuping still. 

"You'll still come Sunday?"

He nods his head. "Count me in munchkin." He kisses her on the cheek before pushing her by the shoulder. He doesn't wait for her turn and leave and instead leaves himself. 

He calls an Uber and watches as the magical night is left behind him, all through a tinted window of a Toyota Corolla with a stranger driving him home.

….

By the time Lucas gets home his feet feel solid on the ground. Naturally he rectifies this. Lucas takes off his suit jacket and unbuttons the sleeves of his dress shirt, rolling them with ease up to his elbow. 

_"Here, let me do that for you, so it looks even."_

_"You know I don't care if it looks even Lucas… we're at a school dance."_

He makes his way over to the cabinet above the sink, having to reach while standing on his tip-toes for the unopened bottle of red wine. It's cheap with a twist cap so he pours himself a full wine glass feeling generous. 

_" Eliott, stop that! no moving...there, perfect. No need to ruin the illusion for the boys and girls in there with lopsided sleeves. Plus I needed the practice."_

_"Plan on rolling lots of dress shirt sleeves do you?"_

_"Yeah? What of it?"_

_"You're so full of it, Lucas."_

He lets himself slide to his kitchen floor resting against his cabinets. The fingers of one hand tapping a tune on the hardwood floor while he sips away at his wine. 

_"Are you sure it's okay that we're going together?"_

_"Oh yeah, just two best friends that are inseparable. They'll think we are the kind of friends that will grow old together, attend the same colleges, and live together till we die. No ones going to bat an eye Eliott."_

_"You come up with the strangest ideas"_

_"Mm. Tell you what, I won't even dance up on you, I'll save that for Yann"_

_"Oh shut it…"_

When he looks around the room, he is struck by the emptiness of it. His bed in one corner, the couch slouched against the far wall. He has one dish in the sink. No pictures up on the wall. So he decides to cut the silence. He stands unsteady and turns on his TV and streams his music. The volume is turned up loudly. He lets the beat move his feet for him, his dress shoes squeaking occasionally as he spins himself to the music. His wine splashes, slightly, with his movement. 

Lucas laughs at the absurdity of him dancing alone in his apartment. He finishes off the wine in his glass, placing it in the sink before grabbing the entire bottle and carrying it with him towards his bed. He kneels besides the double, bends over and his arms reach for an old worn shoe box that looks weathered with age. Placing the bottle on his night stand, Lucas uses his free hands to grab a piece of paper and pen from his nightstand. 

With music pumping through the air and alcohol running in his veins controlling his actions, Lucas writes. He puts his thoughts feelings and memories all down on paper. When he is done, satisfied, he folds it up, folds it like the little notes he would pass to Yann in class when in elementary school. 

And he throws it in with the piles of discolored notes he writes for himself. Memories that he can trace back to when he was ten, when the process of writing everything down started. 

It was Lucas' version of a diary. But he promised himself, one day, he would burn it all. For now he is content to sift through the contents. Only ever to remind himself so he never forgets. 

But for tonight he has enough ammo to keep his mind running so he closes the box, runs his fingers over the misspelled "miskellaneous" that he wrote out in sharpie when he was younger, and gently pushes it back under the bed. 

Safe keeping. 

_"Oh, would you look at that, a slow song. Wanna dance?"_

_"Well…"_

_"Too gay for you?"_

_"Don't be stupid Lucas. It's just Lucille asked if I would dance with her to the first slow song. And I sort of said I would."_

_"...well. yeah of course what are you waiting for Romeo, go get your gal."_

_"Lucas, I--"_

_"Time is slipping away Eliott, pretty soon the song is gonna end."_

_"What about you?"_

_"I'll just seduce some random pretty boy that looks lonely and convince him to dance with me. Don't you worry your pretty little face about me, now go!"_

Lucas doesn't bother changing or taking his shoes off but he lays on his bed on his stomach one foot firmly placed on the floor to ground himself. His eyes close to thought that Sunday dinner was going to so nice. A home cooked meal. His favorite. 

Will things have changed? Do they still have the grandfather clock that clicks away the hours in the corner of the living room? Had papa Demaury finally fixed the screen door that Arthur accidentally put a hole through with his foot while playing, years ago. Is Eliott's room still a beautiful baby blue, a color so calming, Lucas has fallen asleep to it, just by looking at the lights from outside dance along the walls. He's not sure he is quite ready for the onslaught of feelings.


	2. I'll run to you every time if you'll be mine.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He huffed a laugh and looks up and around the room swallowing his nerves. He’s never spoken out loud about this with anyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I choked up writing this because I'm _extra_ emotional today.
> 
> I told myself I was content having all you other wonderful humans writing marriage fics so I can read the sap. Promised myself I wouldn't write one but this has become a monster. I reworked everything after posting the last chapter and each time I go to end it....I can't seem to. Sorry. No happy ending yet. But I am fucking proud of what I have planned! Just you wait. 
> 
> Comment please? I live and breathe for them. Thank you. You all are the best. I love you..
> 
> Present is regular text. I use italics to signify a memory or emphasis on some thing. I trust you'll be able to distinguish?

Lucas takes all of Saturday to recover. The way his eyes pulse each time he blinks and how his stomach gurgles at the thought of food makes Lucas regret all of his decisions. He hates it even more when he hears the banging on his apartment door, the all too familiar voice of Basile and Arthur echoing all around him, cutting across the meek barrier. 

He forces himself up and lets them in, the boys grinning cheekily at him and Yann trailing in after the other two, a sympathetic smile on his face and a glint in his eyes. 

“You left a bit early last night.” 11 was not too early. It was not early enough. 

“Yeah, the DJ sucked. If I had to dance to one more country pop song I think I would’ve shot myself on the dance floor.” Lucas smiles as he mimes out the grotesque image of his head exploding. 

“You’re telling me? Try having Daphne scream in your ears each time a song came on that she liked. We didn’t leave until 2 this morning. I thought my legs would fall off.” 

Lucas would feel sympathy but the love sick smile on Basile’s face contradicts his words and Lucas viciously shouts in his head that Bas deserves to have his legs fall off. 

“Yes yes Bas but think. Think of all the calories you burned?” Arthur’s voice is muffled because his head is buried in Lucas’ mini fridge, searching for food. Lucas looks at the clock on his night stand that reads 11:45. 

“Don’t you have anything other than alcohol? Like, I don’t know food?”

No. His fridge is pretty empty. 

“Why would I have food? Alcohol is all you need, it’s filling and it makes you feel good. I have weed, you want that?”

“Only if you’re offering.” Arthur shouts back and Lucas can hear the laughter in his voice. When he looks over at Yann who has been particularly quiet, sitting on the small dilapidated couch, he sees his friend smiling but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.  
His long fingers toy with a small red string. His hands resting comfortably in his lap. Lucas looks away, the urge to lunge for it consuming him. 

“Wanna grab lunch or something?” His voice is scratchy and it cracks just the slightest. He clears his throat when the other three turn their heads to look at him, their eyes drilling, questioning, waiting for a smallest moment of weakness to peek through so one of them can pounce. 

“Yeah, yeah. I’m starving.” Basile drags out dramatically. The curly haired boy runs and jumps onto Lucas’ bed, narrowly missing Lucas in the process. 

“Mm, kay let me just go get ready, choose a place and I’ll meet you guys there.”

“So bossy Lulu.” Arthur jokes as he pulls at Basile, the two of them, walking through the door they came through not 10 minutes before. “We’ll text the both of you when we’ve decided.” 

Lucas shouts an ‘okay!’ in their direction. He turns back to Yann, ignoring the slight twiddling of fingers. 

“What’s up?” 

“Nothing.” Yann says, shoulders shrugging just a bit. He’s quiet, mouth slightly agape as if searching for the right words. “I punched Eliott yesterday before leaving.”

“What?” Lucas sits up immediately, throwing his legs over the side of his bed. His fingers curl on his thighs trying his best to control his need to run over to Yann, the small distance that it was, and shake his friends shoulders to demand answers. “W-what happened?” 

He curses himself for stuttering. 

Yann closes his eyes and leans his head back but because the couch is so small, he bumps it on the wall with a loud thunk, harder than he expected. Yann winces and reaches behind him rubbing away the pain. “Dude, when are you going to get a proper apartment? Or a house, you’ve been talking about buying a house for years now.”

He was avoiding the question and it was eating away at Lucas, not knowing. 

“Maybe once I’m done with school, I’ll treat myself.” He could treat himself now. His mother left him quite a bit of money, an inheritance his father couldn’t touch because he was a legal adult. He’s toyed with the idea on more than one occasion, getting himself a nice place and paying it all back once he finishes vet school and opens up his own clinic. For the time being he is content to let the money sit, untouched. He supports himself with the bartending job he currently has. He has only a couple more years. He can do it. 

Yann sighs loudly. “Suffer a bit now and enjoy yourself later, am I right?” Lucas grins at him. 

_“Why are you taking college courses now? It’s summer and you’re only a junior”_

_“Technically senior...Technically. And if I start now, I’ll finish earlier. I don’t want to be in school for my whole life Eliott.”_

“Apparently Eliott and Lucille got into a fight yesterday.” Lucas knows this. At least he knows only the bit that he witnessed. What ever happened once they left, he was clueless to. 

“He just got really drunk and said some shit Lucas, that he didn’t mean. SO I punched him.”

God, Yann’s explanation was more confusing than informative but Lucas nods his head regardless. His blue eyes dart down at the red string, parts of the end coming a bit unraveled with Yann’s nervous toying of it. 

_“And why do you want to be a vet?”M_

_“Animals Eliott!”_

_“You realize you’ll have to put them to sleep. E U T H A N I Z E them right?”_

_“Shhhh, shh don’t say anything...no more.”_

_“Did you just shush me?”_

_“Yes, well what do you want me to say? Are you going to be the one to take care of me?”_

“And...what did he say?” Yann let’s out a deep breath and leans forward, eyes closing. Yann was being purposefully obtuse and Lucas wasn’t sure he really wanted to know what was said. 

“I don’t even know Lucas, something about not seeing you anymore. Something about how the fights could be avoided if he just does what she says and stops seeing you.” 

Lucas felt his stomach drop and his breathing stops. Yann’s looking intently at him, but Lucas wishes he would look away. He doesn’t like prying eyes. 

_“Care how?”_

_“Well, for starters, I’d like a house one day. You know, one like your parents live in.”_

_“You want my house?”_

_“I love your house, so many nooks and crannies for me to explore. And that backyard. Don’t get me started.”_

_“Okay, Lucas, a house. What else?”_

_“And a dog.”_

_“A dog?”_

_“A dog.”_

He chuckles slightly, eyes closing and shoulders hunching in just a bit. “So you punched him?” He laughs through the uncomfortable tension and because Yann has that uncanny ability, like spider senses, when it comes to Lucas, he knows when to back off. 

“I mean, threw some words at him before that happened. I didn’t like his response so I punched him. I think you should talk with him. Either today or tomorrow.” Yann sounds adamant. 

“Yeah, of course.” Of course he wasn’t going to bring this up. “But not today because seriously? Let the love birds do their thing. And I can’t Sunday. I’ve got a dinner date at the Demaury’s.”

Yann’s eyebrows take a dive. “With Eliott and Lucille?” 

“No sily, with his parents and Eloise. They invited me over. Plus, doesn’t Eliott leave Sunday for the honeymoon?”

“Yeah,” Yann leans back slightly. “They’re leaving at night. Heading to New York. Time Square or some bullshit destination like that.”

Lucas thinks about how that must have been a Lucille decision, recalling how Eliott doesn’t really like the noise of the big cities. How over stimulating they are. 

“Right, well. We’ll talk about it, when they get back. No biggie. Like you said he was drunk.” Lucas gets up and heads over to Yann, bending at the waist and dropping a kiss on his friends forehead. “But thanks for always being my knight in shining armor. Even when I don’t need saving.” He winks at Yann and straightens, fully aware he is still in his clothing from yesterday. 

_“Lucille wants a dog too, said she wants one of those teacup poms or something like that.”_

_“Geeze, those things will be expensive. Better make it big with that art of yours.”_

_“I’ve been thinking about switching majors you know, business or something and getting rid of those little sketches I have hanging up.”_

_“Well that’s dumb. If you think of getting rid of your drawings don’t, give them over to me. You’re obviously talented enough for art school Eliott.”_

_“You want my art?”_

_“Uh, yeah? I’ll forever be your hedgehog stupid. And throwing it away is like...throwing me away. So don’t do it.”_

_“...okay.”_

_“I’ll never forgive you.”_

_“Okay. I get it. Give all my art to Lucas. I don’t think Lucille would be willing to stay with a starving artist if I can’t support her.”_

_“Wait! I thought we were talking about supporting me here?”_

_“Lucas, you’re so….”_

Lucas stretches and yawns, joints popping with his reach. “Alright, now get out so I can get ready in peace.” He shoos at Yann, mind going adrift and shoving their conversation to the deepest, darkest parts of his mind to be forgotten and then remembered at a later time. 

“Oh hey, wait.” Yann holds up the red string. “I picked it up, when we ran into each other last night. You should be careful with where you leave things, Lucas. Don’t want other people picking up your memories.” Yann smiles tightly at him, and Lucas reaches for it slowly. Not to appear too eager to have it back. 

“Oh man, thanks. Must of fell off without me realizing it.” The lie falls from his lips so easily. Practiced. 

“You should get it, I don’t know, like...set in something more solid you know?” And Lucas looks at it and likes the idea of it being more than it is.

He agrees with a nod and a noncommittal hum. “Yeah, maybe I will.” He thinks he might ask Alexia to set his string with resin around the width of a metal ring sized 10, get it engraved and then toss it into his miscellaneous shit until he’s ready to really get rid of it. 

When Yann stands up he claps Lucas on the shoulder gently and makes his way towards the door. “I’m serious though, Lucas. Talk to him.”

Lucas doesn’t answer, lets Yann turn and walk away, and instead he busies himself with getting ready for lunch with his boys.  
……

When it comes time for it, Lucas puts on his Sunday best. An old pair of worn and ripped jeans and loose black tee. He couldn’t tell anyone the amount of times he’s worn this particular outfit on a visit to the Demaury’s but seeing how he’s taking a trip back down memory lane, the outfit is fitting. He tames his hair with a snapback and before he can overanalyze himself, Lucas gets to walking. 

His apartment is on the outskirts of the city and a meager 15 minutes away from his childhood home and a 25 minutes away from the Demaury's. The walk is needed, refreshing, and he uses it to calm his nerves as he walks the familiar streets. 

Few cars drive by but as Lucas recalls, few cars ever did. His old neighborhood was always a quiet one with more foot traffic than the squeaking of wheels on asphalt. 

_"Hey, you see that? Let's follow em!"_

_"Yann, we can't just follow a car, we don't know where they're going."_

_"Don't be a loser, Lucas. They're obviously moving to that big house, you know that one like, 2 streets away."_

_"More like 7? And how do you know that's where they're headed?"_

_"They got that fancy car and they're dragging one of those trailers. Look...will you just trust me?"_

He turns up the winding driveway and breathes in the sight before him. The little lot of land and beautiful aged bungalow fill his view. The trees seem taller and the bushes trimmed. Lucas sees flowers that weren't there two years prior, now bloomed and lining the walkway. 

He makes it to the front door, counting his steps as he always does, always has done since his very first visit. He can’t help but smile when he sees the screen door still attached to the hinges, a glaring hole--round about the size of his foot-- not yet fixed.

He knocks a little pattern, familiar, and waltzes in without waiting for an invitation. The door is, naturally, unlocked. 

The scent of garlic and rosemary roasting lingers and dances in the air . It beckons and draws him deeper into the house as his nose tickles and his mouth waters. In through the narrow hall and past the living to his left. He glances quickly and sees the grandfather clock, still a tall and formidable fixture. However, the couches-- a deep mahogany, material made of leather-- are different. 

“Moose clawed the last set to death and mom was tired of looking at the ripped up cushions. Lord knows it took them long enough. You’d think between the two of them, they make enough to replace the furniture every 6 months for the rest of their lives and still live comfortably. ”

Lucas snaps his gaze to find Eloise standing near the kitchen entrance, hands holding a mixing bowl, steaming, a masher firmly gripped between her fingers. He thinks about she said and thinks it's true. They had wealthy but they were never ones to flaunt it.

He smiles at her and walks closer, peering at the bowl of barely mashed potatoes. Before she can slap his hand away, his fingers dip in, scooping up a glob and shoving it in his mouth. 

“Fuck! That’s hot!” He sucks his cheeks in and blows out steam, closing and opening his mouth while chewing. 

Eloise rolls her eyes and turns to enter the kitchen. Lucas makes a move to follow but is stopped by a gentle brushing he feels against his ankle. When he looks down he is greeted by glowing eyes. 

“...hey Moose.”

Moose answers with a gentle purring. Lucas finds himself with an armful of the grey furred fluffball, head and ears nudging at his chin. Moose burrows himself against Lucas’ chest, his purring a vibration that Lucas finds comfort in. 

“I missed you too buddy.” Instead of putting him down, Lucas carries the cat into the kitchen with him, his fingers never stop the combing.

His eyes take in the hustle and bustle of the kitchen that seems to flow with an ease he isn’t capable of. “Need any help?” He calls out to the ladies, Eloise who is already handing him a cutting board and washed carrots. Moose, jumps out of his hands, lading silently on his feet. When Lucas sits at the kitchen table, it jumps out to him that a lot has changed. 

Furniture replaced, new appliances, a different air around him. Yet everything still felt like home. 

_“See I told you?”_

_“I didn’t say you were wrong.”_

_“Oh hey, look, Lucas, there’s a boy that looks about our age.”_

_“Yann…”_

_“Maybe a little older.”_

_“Yann...”_

_“What?”_

_“I’m going to marry him someday.”_

_“And how do you know this?You haven’t even talked to him yet dude.”_

_“I just do. Swear you won’t say anything.”_

_“No way man, you just gave me mad ammo.”_

“ _Swear it Yann! Or I’ll tell mama Cazas who really broke the basement window and how it happened!”_

_“You said you’d take that the grave! You pinky promised!”_

_“Swear it!”_

_“Fine! Fine, but let’s go talk to you stupid future husband, so you don’t sound like a complete creep. Sheesh.”_

The rhythmic chopping of carrots soothes Lucas. He has always enjoyed the process of preparing food, having gotten used to participating in helping with dinner when time was spent either at Yann’s or here with Elliot watching both Lucas and his own mother cook up a meal. 

He always felt so impressed, amazed that he had a part in cooking something that tasted so delicious. Of course Lucas is well aware that he really has nothing to do with how well the meal turns out but he lets himself believe for a moment that he does. He looks up and sees mama Demaury approaching him and he receives her kiss on the forehead with a bright smile of his own. 

“Lucas, so glad to see you. Did you walk?”

He nods his head without looking up, grabbing a piece of raw carrot and plops it into his mouth. “Like I said, wouldn’t miss it for the world. I’ve missed your cooking.”

He looks back up and blushes as he notices her standing, leaning against the counter a pure smile on her face. 

“Is papa Demaury joining us?”

“I sure am.” 

At the deep voice, silky smooth and all too familiar, Lucas looks up, a wide smile on his face. He is greeted by the trademark Demaury smile. Bright teeth shining, laugh lines prominent, and eyes lit with joy. 

Eliott was a spitting image of his father. 

_“Anyone ever told you, your dad is hot?”_

_“Gross Lucas don’t be weird.”_

_“I’m not being weird, he’s a total DILF. Oh c’mon don’t roll your eyes at me.”_

_“...”_

_“What?”_

_“You know I have heard that I look exactly like my father.”_

_“No you don’t.”_

_“Uh huh...So what does that mean, Lucas?”_

_“It means you’ll know what you’ll look like when you grow up. Now, Eliott, I would very much like it if you could--Stop laughing!-- go get the popcorn so we can start this movie,”_

Except he wasn’t. Lucas could recite the differences between Eliott and his father without looking at either one of them. The arch of their nose, Eliott’s being a tad bit more prominent. The differences in the color of their hair, with Eliott having thicker and lighter hair than that of his father. Eliott outgrew his father by an inch or two. And for Lucas, he knows the most obvious difference was how Lucas was always unable to capture the kaleidoscope of color found in Eliott’s eyes. It wasn’t just blue, wasn’t just _deep, sharp, or intense_ \-- it was everything, beyond words, and Lucas always found himself lost in the beauty of it all. 

"Lucas, how have you been? I've missed you Friday night."

"Well you know how weddings can be, busy busy."

"Well I'm glad you made it. Célia, what's cooking, it smells wonderful."

" _Coq au vin_ , Lucas' favorite."

"And mashed potatoes, don't forget, because I love it." Eloise calls from her corner. She puts down her bowl and makes her way over to greet her papa. 

"Sounds great, I do hope it's okay that I extended the invite to Imane?" 

Noone objects to the news and Lucas is a bit excited to see Imane, having spent very little time the girl in the past couple weeks. 

By the time the food is cooked and the kitchen cleaned, Lucas helps set the table while Eloise brings out the food. 

They eat once Imane shows up and it takes all four of them to reassure her that there was no problem in waiting for her to arrive before digging in. Any thoughts and fears of awkward silences fall by the wayside. Lucas finds it easy to ask mama Demaury about her work, Eloise and how she's doing in school. He finds out if Imane likes working as an intern for papa Demaury. 

"Georges is a great teacher, I've learned a lot about what to expect on the operating table."

And Lucas doesn't find it hard at all to keep the wide grin on his face. Feeling the best he's felt in ages. He has more than a couple of wine glasses, paired with his meal. By the time his plate is cleared, his head is cloudy. 

"This has been so nice, now if Eliott were here it would feel like we would have the whole family."

Lucas laughs, airy and a little disbelieving. Through his alcohol addled brain he points out that neither Imane or himself carry the Demaury last name. It could've been the way he said it, how his eyes are downcast and smile not fully there despite the laughter in his voice. But the tables grows quiet. 

"Marry me Lucas. Then you can be an official part of the family." Eloise doesn't pause in spooning mashed potatoes into her mouth. 

Lucas looks sweetly at her and says, "okay" knowing that he had no intention of doing so but he refuses to say no. Because he's made the mistake of turning down one Demaury before, albeit jokingly, he'd be damned if he let himself do it again. Imane shoves him playfully on the shoulders and he eats up the smiles on all their faces. 

Without prompting, Celia opens a second bottle of wine, the five of them sitting and talking long past sundown. Imane joins in easily, the banter engaging. When Eloise offers to pour him another glass Lucas has to stop her, his face flushed, eyes glazed. He can’t remember how many glasses he’s had and he takes that as a clear indication to stop.

He looks at the clock, surprised by the hour, and tries his best to excuse himself as the conversations dwindle. But when he stands, his vision swims and he sits back down with a watery chuckle. 

He laughs at himself. “Maybe I should go lie down for a bit first.” He feels embarrassment heat his face as mama Demaury encourages him to do just that. 

“Probably best. We let the fun get to us. I wouldn’t mind doing the same. Stay the night if you need to Lucas. And if you do I’ll see you in the morning. If not then we will just have to make this a weekly thing won’t we.” 

“Definitely.” He holds back the slurring as best as he can. 

“I’ll help him up the stairs.” Imane offers and her hand against his elbow is cold, firm, and steady. He smiles, thankful for her help. 

His steps are heavy and when his misses the third step he laughs at himself and Imane giggles behind him. 

“Shit. I’m drunk.”

“Yeah, you went ham on that wine, Lucas. Haven’t seen you drink that much since...well since Friday night so not that long ago actually.”

“Oh shut it...it helps me function.” He could practically see his friend roll her eyes from behind.  
Lucas doesn’t need directions as his feet move on their own accord. He pushes the door open gently and his eyes scan the darkened room. Not a thing out of place. He glances over the wall where a cork board is set above a desk, hanging empty. 

_“Where are they?”_

_“Look Lucas--”_

_“Where?”_

_“Will you just listen for a second.”_

_“Tell me where Eliott!”_

_“I threw them out.”_

_“Why? Why would you do that I told you to give them to me?”_

_“Luci---”_

_“I don’t give a fuck what Lucille said. You told me you’d give them to me? Those should have been mine.”_

_“Listen, I’m sorry I’ll draw you some new ones.”_

_“It’s not the same Eliott!”_

_“I don’t understand why you’re so mad!”_

_“It’s not...you know what, forget it. You’re right. It’s silly that I’m mad. I’m not even mad anymore.”_

_“Lucas wait…”_

_“Hey it’s cool. Don’t worry about it. I...I-uh I have to go.”_

_“But you just got here.”_

_“Yeah I forgot, my mom needs me to do something for her.”_

_“Lucas wait...Lucas come back, Lucas…”_

He walks over to the bed plops down face first. He immediately curls up on his side, bringing his knees up closer to his chest. He burrows closer to the familiar scent, the familiar comfort. Even the comforter is the same. 

“Getting cozy are you?” 

Lucas peeks up at Imane, who stands by the desk. She fumbles for a second before a switch is flicked and a dull glow from the desk lamp lights the room. 

“Hm. It’s comfy.” His fingers twirl in circles on the sheets beneath him as he thinks about the many nights he spent sleeping on this bed sprawled out of curled up next to Eliott. Sometimes he slept on the floor. Most times they were small enough to share. And it was normal, they were best friends. The closest. When things didn’t go to plan at home, Lucas always had a place to go hide away at. Either with Yann or with Eliott. For the most part Lucas went with the latter, feeling that mama Demaury welcomed his presence just a bit more. Not to say he was ever turned away. But it felt more natural for him to end up here, falling asleep next to Eliott. 

Yann understood. He always has. And always will. 

“What happened Lucas?”

“Hm?” He wanted to ignore her question, but her tone prompts him to answer. 

“What happened between you and Eliott? You used to be so close.”

He shrugs. “We’re still close.”

“Don’t bullshit me, Lucas. Not like you used to be. Things have changed between the two of you yet you both go on like it hasn’t.” 

Lucas looks away from her prying eyes, away from the accusatory tone and away from the questions that make him think of things he would rather not think about, especially after having such a wonderful night. 

_Lucas reads the text, the glow of the phone bright and illuminating from his place under his bed. He has his blanket curled all around him, covering his head. The air is tight._

_**‘Lucas can you please come by...I need you’** _

_He holds the phone close to his chest as he bites his lip harshly, drawing blood. He would give anything to leave his little hiding place but the sound of glass shattering, of furniture being thrown, his mother crying. All of it stops him. Lucas feels his own eyes well up with tears and winces as the salt burns the cut below his eyes._

_**‘Please, please say something. I need, need you here.’** _

_He whispers, holds the phone close but refuses to type out a response. “I- I can’t. I can’t ’m sorry. I’m sorry...so sorry.”_

“Was it something you did? He did?”

“Maybe we’re drifting apart?” 

“AS you lie there curled up on his bed. Right. Drifting apart. Do you think I’m stupid?”

“Well let’s see Imane, how about we discuss the fact you and Manon aren’t talking? Does it have something to do with the fact that you saw her kissing up on Sofiane? Can we talk about that? Were you guys drifting apart? Seems like it.” His words are harsh and Lucas swallows thickly at the silence that follows. He wishes he could take it back. He hates himself for the cold distance that settles in her gaze. 

“You know what, fuck you. Sorry for caring.” She makes a move for the door, her steps dramatic, shoulders tense and arms crossed. 

“Wait, wait, Imane.” He calls out, sitting up on the bed. He chokes on the lump that forms at the base of his throat. Something in the way he calls out to her has her pausing, hand on the door but it remains closed. “Come back,” she turns to him. 

“Please.” He begs and his voice cracks. He beckons her over to the bed and he scoots his body over to one side and pats the space next to him. 

The tension releases and her shoulders sag before she shuffles over and lays down facing him. He sends a watery smile her way and simply stares for a bit, eyes blinking back tears, They stare for a moment longer, neither speaking but the anger seeps away from Imane’s gaze. 

“I’m sorry.” Lucas says, voice thick. “That was mean of me.”

Imane nods. 

“I’m being a little bitch aren’t I.”

She nods again breaking out into a smile. 

He huffed a laugh and looks up and around the room swallowing his nerves. He’s never spoken out loud about this with _anyone._

“I guess I just wasn’t there when he needed me.”

Imane sighs, an exaggerated sound. “You’ve always been there for him. That couldn’t possibly be it.” 

Lucas shakes his head firmly, hair rustling against the soft cotton of the pillows. 

“I don’t know what to say.”

“How about, you start from the beginning.”

He lets out a shaky breath. “Do you remember, winter break of our sophomore year when Eliott, he…”

Lucas watches as Imane bites her lip and nods sharply. Everyone in their circle remembers how difficult Eliott’s senior had been.

“I wasn’t there for him when he needed me most and when I finally showed up I...I was so stupid Imane. So stupid.” Lucas’ body shudders as he holds back the force of a sob. 

_“Lucas!”_

_Lucas watches as Eliott jumps up from his spot on the bed, Lucille sitting by his side, her hands that were running through his hair comfortingly paused as the taller boy rushes him._

_“Hey, what’s up?”_

_“Where were you?” Eliott sounds accusatory and Lucas does his best to school his face, putting his phone in his pocket._

_“Oh yeah sorry, I was a bit busy. Is everything good now? You’re mom just told me you were having a bad vacation.”_

“ _Where were you?”_

_“What is this 21 questions?” Lucas bounces his gaze between Eliott and Lucille, doing his best to keep the smile on his face._

_“I needed you, did you get my texts?”_

_“Ah, yeah...sorry about that. I did. I was just super busy and couldn’t respond.”_

_“And what were you so busy doing?” Lucas looks at Lucille, his gaze sharpening at her questions._

_“Busy catching dick, since you’re so curious.” At the sharp intake of breath he looks at Eliott._

_“Listen, I’m sorry. I can’t always be there, right? I’ll do my best from now on but sometimes things get in the way Eliott. Was it really bad this time?” Eliott doesn’t look at him, doesn’t say anything. Lucas mentally wills him. To say everything is okay._

_“Yeah...it was bad. But it’s cool. Lucille’s been here. You don’t have to worry anymore....”_

“Because of that one time, things haven’t been the same?” 

Lucas nods. He gave up his place to Lucille willingly, knowing that he fucked up and it couldn’t be rectified. 

“Lucas you were what fourteen? fifteen?” Lucas nods. “Tell me where you really were?” 

Lucas bites his lips and shakes his head, his tears run freely. Each time he blinks a new wave washes over him and he soaks the pillow that he lays on. 

“Lucas...where were you?” Her voice is soft, coaxing. Pushing and Lucas gives in. Lucas tells her everything. Everything about his mother, about his father who was kind until he drinks too much. How sorry his father is after the dust settles and alcohol is flushed out of him.He talks about how he hid away under the bed until his cuts and bruises healed so he wouldn’t need to explain anything. How he’s done that for ages now. He can’t remember the first time he does it. 

And Lucas feels a weight lift from his shoulders when he reveals the truth. How badly he wanted to run to Eliott when it happened. When he received the texts all those years ago. How he knew he couldn’t unload this all onto Eliott because it wouldn’t be fair. So he didn’t. And he’s lost so much because of that decision. But he lives with his choice and decides to be the best friend he can be with Eliott keeping him at arm's length. He never pushes it fearing he’d lose him completely. 

“....fuck. Lucas” Imane is crying, silent tears. She wipes at her face and sniffles. “Why haven’t you told him?” Lucas reaches and wipes away her tears. He shakes his head and his breath comes out shaky. 

“...I can’t. Noone knows.” 

“Noone?”

_“Hey Lucas, can we talk?”_

_“Yeah, what’s up.”_

_“How are you?”_

_“...Fine, who’s asking?”_

_“Oh shut up…”_

_“Well, okay. This is weird?”_

Imane reaches her arm out to run through his hair, bringing her forehead to press closely against his. She brushes their noses together in a comforting manner and if Lucas melts Imane says nothing about it. He sighs and calms the thudding in his chest. 

_“Well it’s just... mom asked me to check in on you… She, uh. She said things were pretty loud at your place and--”_

_“Yann don’t. I’m good. My parents just got into a fight.”_

_“She said she heard crying so--”_

_“As people do when they fight Yann. Everything’s good.”_

_“Promise?”_

_“...promise.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell me how I'm doing with dialogue? I feel like it's such a crucial part to this story that I want it to flow and make sense? Ugh I dunno.


	3. To Create Memories with you, That's all I've ever wanted to do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Can I stay the night?”
> 
> “What?” Lucas scrambles up into a sitting position, mouth hanging open and eyes scanning Eliott’s face, looking for any signs that he was joking. That he might have misheard and his mind was playing tricks on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Added another chapter. Still not finished...I'm not complaining, are you? Please share out what you were thinking. Things are starting to look up for those two though. 
> 
> Love it when you guys leave comments. I totally appreciate all your time and effort. Thank you. And this time I promise. There really is only one more chapter after this one.

On Monday, Lucas goes to class. He texts Alexia and asks if he can stop by her shop after he clocks the hours of his internship. He promises a bottle of wine and she’s quick to say yes. He lets his friend enjoy herself, and only drinks a glass. She tells him she can definitely set the string and pulls out the choices he has to pick from. 

He goes for a sturdy black gunmetal band that is grooved all around the width. The perfect place for Alexia to set the red string. 

“What size?”

“10.”

“Lucas you’re easily an 8 ½. Not a ten.” Lucas shrugs but says nothing regarding the size.

“Will the resin ruin the string?”

“It shouldn’t, why? How important is this to you? I don’t want to fuck it up, ya know?” 

Lucas nods his head and hands over the string. “It’s just a silly little memento. But no, don’t fuck it up.” He laughs when she slaps at him. They spend the rest of the night catching up, talking in gentle tones. When he leaves, he asks when he can pick it up. 

“Do you want me to engrave anything inside the band? Is it for a friend? For yourself” She pry’s just a little too much but Lucas shakes his head.

He has so much he would love to engrave but he turns down the option to. 

_“Hey, we’ve been friends for, what a year now and I...I wanted to tell you something.”_

_“Eliott stop beating around the bush and just say it.”_

_“Lucas, I’m bipolar…”_

_“...”_

_“Say something please.”_

_“...hi bipolar. I’m Lucas.”_

_“God do you ever take anything seriously.”_

_“Well you’re laughing too! But seriously Eliott, I’m not going anywhere. Ever."_

_"Ever?"_

_"Ever. If I can help it you'll be the one who leaves me. "_

_"Impossible."_

_"Nothings impossible."_

“Suit yourself. It should be ready in a couple of days once a get to it. But let’s say stop by on Saturday?” 

Saturday comes and goes and Lucas spends the day twirling the beautiful ring in his hands, holding it up and watching as the red string stands out in stark contrast to the black metal when it catches the light. He slips it onto his fingers feeling its looseness. He dreams of a day when he would wear one in his size but he is sure Eliott has thrown his string away long ago.

A pipe dream. 

When he’s ready Lucas tosses it into his box and slides it back under the bed. Lucas let’s the hours and days pass by without thinking of its presence in his apartment. He spends time with his friends, going to school and working.

The first time Lucas reaches out is three weeks after the wedding. He shoots Eliott a text asking if they could grab coffee. To his disappointment, Eliott is quick to respond that he was busy but hopefully soon. 

Once things have settled. 

Lucas tries his best to not let disappointment consume him and he ignores the pressure that settles in his chest, crushing him.

Every couple of weeks he puts out his feelers. Until months pass and his final text to Eliott is left unread and unreturned. 

_**I haven’t seen you in a while. I miss my friend, can we hang?** _

He doesn’t try again. Before he can stop the change of season, Lucas realizes time has passed quickly. He goes through the motions until a full year has passed and he’s left feeling like there is a gaping hole where Eliott ripped his heart out. He wants to text him to ask for it back. Lucas refrains. 

Instead, Lucas indulges and spends most Sunday’s acting part of the family at the Demaury’s. When they ask if Eliott and him have done anything together lately. Lucas shrugs and tells them “Not really.” **I haven’t seen him.** But he refuses to elaborate and they easily drop the subject. 

_“Promise no matter where we are and no matter what happens we will always be friends?”_

_“Promise.”_

_“No I mean it Eliott!”_

_“I’m being serious too!”_

_“No you’re not. You think I’m being stupid.”_

_“Well…”_

_“Don’t even finish that thought mister.”_

So he doesn’t see Eliott. Until he does. 

Lucas rolls his eyes at Yann’s text telling him there is an emergency and he needs him at his place pronto. If his birthday wasn’t around the corner, and if Basile and Arthur hadn’t been whispering quietly to themselves suspiciously throughout their dinner together, Lucas would never have questioned the ‘emergency’. But his friends were shit liars and he imagines there’s a party planned for him. 

When he tells Arthur and Basile that Yann texted him, their reaction is everything he expects from them.

“Oh shit! No really? We should get there quick. ” Lucas let’s them drag him without question. When they arrive, the lights are off and Lucas calls out. He fakes surprise when the lights flicker on and his friends jump out and scream happy birthday in his face. He laughs as confetti falls and covers him. 

A shot glass is quickly passed to him and he drinks it down. 

23 isn’t bad. Lovely even. The evening has him turning each time some taps on the shoulder and offers up a hug. 

Imane smiles at him tightly when she pulls away. “Watch out, he’s coming.”

Lucas looks at her confused but she simply lifts a brow looking behind him. When he feels a tap, Lucas turns, like he’s done several times already but he isn’t ready for what he sees. 

Eliott stands there, in all his glory, a hand rubbing cautiously at his neck, an unsure smile gracing his lips. 

“Hey.” Lucas is sure he looks like an idiot as his eyes flicker across that beautiful face, his mouth hanging open in shock. He looks all too familiar and he takes in all the grooves, the dips, the laughter lines--everything, a homecoming he wasn’t ready for. A glint catches his eyes and Lucas looks at the band that shines in the light. It snaps him out of his stupor. 

“Hey! What are you doing here?” He looks from side to side and behind Eliott. “ Where’s Lucille?” 

_“Why is she always around lately, I swear she just sits there and glares daggers at me. She hates me.”_

_“She doesn’t hate you Lucas. Besides...she’s here because she helps me through...you know.”_

_“I... thought that was my job. That I keep you grounded.”_

_“It is....it was, you just...you said it yourself, that you can’t always be around right? And this way, you won’t feel bad. I don’t want you to think I’m keeping you from doing things because you need to drop everything the moment I ask you to.”_

“Ah, she couldn’t make. But she sends her regards. I came to wish you a happy birthday.. Yann invited me, is that okay?” Eliott tilts his head and looks at Lucas unsure. 

“Okay? Yeah of course it’s okay silly. You could have simply sent a text, I would have understood!” Lucas smiles and laughs. He finds it easy to fall back into a routine of fake assurance. Mostly for himself of course. 

When Lucas sees Eliott moving in for a hug he counters it with an excitement that he doesn’t truly feel but he needs a reason to avoid those hands wrapped around him.

He’s only just adjusted to living without Eliott’s hugs, he wouldn’t survive having to do it again simply because Eliott has a whim to just disappear again. 

_“I didn’t say that to mean replace me, Eliott. I...I just get busy sometimes and I can’t come.”_

_“I know, and I don’t want you to feel bad, or feel like you have to come every time I have an episode.”_

_“That wasn’t an episode Eliott, you fucking hurt yourself and I wasn’t there! I was..I--”_

_“You were what?”_

_“N-nothing. Nevermind forget. Better for me then, I guess.”_

_“...right.”_

_“Now I can binge my TV shows without worries of interruptions…oh come on! Admit it, it was a little funny?”_

Lucas taps Eliott on the shoulder. “Hey, I know, let’s go take shots and catch up. It’s been like what? A year since I’ve heard from you? You can tell me all about what it’s like being married and shit.” He scrunches his nose at the thought and pushes past Eliott making an effort to avoid brushing up against him at all cost. If Eliott notices, he says nothing.

They find themselves in the kitchen, Yann and Emma looking over at the two of them wearily. 

“Hey guys, look who I bumped into.” 

“Yeah, Lucas, we invited everyone under the sun that knows you.” 

Lucas looks away from Yann, his smile tightening. “Well I just thought it was lovely. Take shots with us?” He holds up the bottle. They nod. 

Lucas gets loose with his alcohol as he talks the evening away and listens to Eliott discussing random things that they’ve missed out on. The topic of Lucille never comes up and Lucas is grateful for that. When the night winds down, Eliott looks to the clock and informs Lucas that he needs to go, because it’s midnight and he promised he wouldn’t stay out too late. 

The alcohol loosens his tongue and Lucas smiles at Eliott. “Yeah, yeah I totally get it. Married life and all, so I’ll hear from you, let’s say? Next June?” He laughs at his own joke and Eliott looks down a frown on his face. 

“Listen, I didn’t mean to go that long without contacting you.”

Lucas waves his concern away. “Hey it’s cool. That was just a joke.” Except it wasn’t. He wanted to know when he’d hear from him next. 

“I’ll text you, okay?” 

Lucas nods his head and takes another shot.

“Sure.” 

“Can I get a hug goodbye?”

Luas slams another drink back and pretends he doesn’t hear Eliott’s request. “I’m sorry what?” Eliott shakes his head a sad smile on his face. 

“Nothing. I’ll see you soon.”

“Bye Eliott.” 

“You know how I hate saying bye.” Because it sounds too permanent. Lucas grins at him and walks close, his steps extremely unsteady. He balances himself with his hands on Eliott’s shoulders, steps up and kisses Eliott on the cheek before whispering once again in his ear. 

“Bye Eliott.” When he let’s go, he turns and asks the group for another shot, not waiting for Eliott to leave. Lucas is determined to not remember this night. If only to save himself the heartache. 

_“We should move away together.”_

_“What?”_

_“Just the two of us.Run away you know”_

_“Aren’t you with Lucille? Shouldn’t you be asking if she wants to move in with you?”_

_“I’ve been dating her for like two weeks. I’ve known you for 5 years.”_

_“Are you telling me you’d leave her for little o’ me?”_

_“You’re mocking me.”_

_“No, I wouldn’t---stop Eliott! You know I’m-ah- ticklish-god!”_

……

Lucas wakes in his own bed, head pounding. All the lights are on in his apartment and he remembers nothing. His mouth is unbearably dry. When he checks his phone he laughs when he finds photos of Basile, Arthur and Yann putting him to bed. They upload photos upon photos to his instagram, tagging the silliest things. Lucas finds the photos helpful, seeing how the night was a complete blur at this point. When he checks his messages, Lucas feels his heart flutter. 

He opens up the message and sees the last message he sent to Eliott a year ago. And then one that was received mere hours ago.

_**It was great seeing you tonight. I hope you had the best birthday.** _

And then. 

_**When are you free to hang?**_

_****_

Lucas doesn’t know how to respond as he tries his best to trace his mental footsteps. He thought the whole thing was a dream. Lucas leaves the message unanswered for a bit. Instead he opens a message and asks Yann to come over. 

_****_

He doesn’t bother trying to tidy himself up for Yann and instead remains on the couch, where Yann later finds him when he arrives. 

_****_

“Hey, how you feeling?” 

_****_

Lucas grunts at his friend. “Like a herd of elephants is tap dancing on my head. 

_****_

Yann laughs and Lucas tells him to shut up. “Why did you let me be such a bad adult and how much did I drink last night?” 

_****_

Yann shrugs his shoulders. “Too many bottles to count.” Lucas groans again. He buries his head under his arms. 

_****_

He lets a minute pass before asking the million dollar question. “Why’d you invite him?” He doesn’t open his eyes but he hears Yann sigh. 

_****_

“Did you ever talk to him like I told you to?” All those months ago. Lucas remains quiet. 

_****_

“All you had to do was talk--” 

_****_

“I tried.” 

_****_

“What?” 

_****_

“I reached out and he kept giving reasons why he couldn’t meet until finally he just ignored me.” For a year. 

_****_

“I wish you guys would just figure out your shit already. All this back and forth...we’re adults we should start acting like it.” 

_****_

“What do you mean back and forth?As far as I’m concerned, he dropped off the face of the earth and acted like I didn’t exist to appease ‘Lucille’” 

_****_

“Oh don’t give me that Lucas, the amount of times Eliott’s hinted at something, long before Lucille was in the picture, and it was you who shot him down.” 

_****_

Lucas remains silent at that. 

_****_

“Don’t have anything to say to that?” 

_****_

Of course Lucas does. He has so much he wants to say. But he wants to say it all to Eliott, the person who needs to hear it. He wants the ability to muster up the courage and apologize for all the times he’s laughed him away, when his jokes went too far. But he was serious. He was always serious when it came to Eliott and he is always thinking about him, about what makes him happy, sad, mad, _angry_ , about what he needs. 

_****_

**Haven’t you ever been in love and so very afraid?** Lucas thinks. He wants to ask Yann and wants so badly to know the answer. Because maybe he could fix everything that he feels he fucked up. But his tongue doesn’t work and his mouth doesn’t move, lips glued together. He loses his voice when he needs it the most. 

_****_

_“IthinkIloveyou!”_

_****_

_“...?want to try that again, Eliott?”_

_****_

_“...I...I think I love you….say something?”_

_****_

_“You don’t.”_

_****_

Yann joins him. “This is a fucking mess…” 

_****_

Lucas holds up his fist and he speaks, voice muffled as he presses his face down harder on the couch cushion. “Fucking preach, dude.” He laughs at himself and the situation and hums his agreement. He grabs his phone and shows Yann the text. 

_****_

“What should I say?” When he grabs for the phone, Lucas lets him. Thinking nothing of it. He see’s Yann’s fingers move briefly before he turns the phone off and tosses it onto the coffee table. 

_****_

“Alright get up! You need to get your ass in gear because you’re meeting him for coffee in 45 minutes.” 

_****_

“Wait, what?” Lucas picks up his phone and realizes Yann texted him back and Eliott responded in kind rather quickly apparently. “Shit, Yann. I just wanted a quiet day today!” 

_****_

“Stop your whining, you sound like a little bitch.” 

_****_

Lucas wants to counter that he is a little bitch as he has already established with Imane. But he holds his tongue. Lucas begrudgingly gets up and spends a lifetime in front of the mirror trying his best to make it look like he wasn’t out drinking his liver into the grave just hours before. 

_****_

_“How can you say that?”_

_****_

_“Because you don’t just think you love someone and expect it to just be a thing Eliott, it doesn’t work that way. You got into a fight with Lucille and you’re looking for--for something to get your mind off it. "_

_****_

_“...”_

_****_

_“Maybe you’re having an episode and you’re confused by what your feeling and---”_

_****_

“ _Stop. I don’t care what you think but don’t...don’t use that as reason. You’re the last person I expected to ever use that against me. I… forget it.”_

_****_

_“Eliott I didn’t mean it like, it wasn’t meant to...”_

_****_

_“No, just stop. Stop. You’re right. You’re just...right. I should go I’ll see you tomorrow. ”_

_****_

_Lucas’ mouth snaps shut and he looks away._ _ **I don’t want to be right.**_

_****_

He finds himself crammed in a corner at the coffee shop, a window seat, as others float around him doing their best to find their own table. His nose twitches at the strong scent of coffee wafting in the air and the occasionally sickly sweet scent of a pastry makes itself known, tempting his gurgling stomach. But Lucas declines to give into to his wants, knowing it would not sit well with him at this moment in time. 

_****_

Instead he sips at burnt coffee too hot for his tongue as he waits, 10 minutes early for their meet time. But Lucas is happy for the time to collect himself, time for him to hide behind the sunglasses that are perched on his nose as he people watches or more accurately, staring at the door waiting for Eliott to stumble in. He doesn’t have to wait long before he eats up the sight of the other boy walking in, his hair in disarray and eyes bouncing back and forth searching. 

_****_

If Lucas was a better person he would have raised his hand, signaled for Eliott to come over but he’s not so he doesn’t. Instead he watches as Eliott gets in line, eyes occasionally scanning behind him and hands reaching for his phone in his pocket, typing up a message. He orders what Lucas thinks is an iced coffee with sweet cream, if memory serves him right, a favorite of the other boy. 

_****_

_“Let me get a sip of that”_

_****_

_“No, get your own.”_

_****_

_“But yours always tastes better--Eliott just one sip.”_

_****_

_“Just one. I mean it Lucas.”_

_****_

Lucas’ phone vibrates in front of him and he reads the message already knowing what it says. He doesn’t bother to reply and instead waits for Eliott to turn and he stands slightly, takes off his glasses, and catches his gaze. He smiles as Eliott stumbles his way over. 

_****_

“Sorry, am I late or are you early?” 

_****_

“Late of course.” Lucas finds it easy to smile when they talk. 

_****_

“Naturally.” Eliott smiles reaching for his drink. “How are you?” 

_****_

“Still drunk I think, I don’t remember anything from yesterday so you can imagine how strange it was waking up to your message.” Their conversations flow easily and Lucas falls back into his usual self with his banter and misplaced jokes. He falls in love with the ease of it all and appreciates how things haven’t changed. Not really. Like a year hadn’t truly passed without a word from either of them. 

_****_

He laughs and he snorts, grows quiet when comfortable silence falls. His cheeks hurt from the amount of smiling he does. Long after their drinks dry up Lucas soaks in every detail that Eliott tells him. 

_****_

How he’s double majoring in Business and Art. But he plans to take the next semester off. Figure some things out for himself. 

_****_

“And you? How is school, are you taking summer courses?” 

_****_

Lucas lets him know he has two more years, that he’s working on his internship and how he’s taking only one course this summer. He has no plans of taking time off just yet, even though he wants to. 

_****_

“The shit I see though, Eliott you wouldn’t even believe.” 

_****_

"Hey, you wanted this.” 

_****_

Lucas rolls his eyes, smile still in place. “Yeah, yeah. I’m still working towards getting me that house and dog you know.” 

_****_

When Eliott chuckles, Lucas feels his heart flutter, his eyes are drawn to the way his shoulders shake and his eyes close. When Eliott laughs Lucas wants to join him, always. When Eliott asks him to join him for ice cream across the street, Lucas says yes against his better judgement because he’s yet to eat anything solid but he thinks he’ll make up for it later because today is Sunday and he has plans for a nice dinner with mama Demaury. 

_****_

“I can’t stay out too late though, I’ve got some plans later.” 

_****_

“Oh? A nice date?” 

_****_

Lucas shoves Eliott by the shoulder and shakes his head as they walk towards the ice cream shop not too far down the street from where they just were. 

_****_

“If only.” But he doesn’t elaborate. Doesn’t share because he still thinks it's odd that he visits Eliott’s family without Eliott present. He feels like he’s overstepping some invisible boundary. And he knows this is all in his head but he can’t help it. 

_****_

Lucas orders three scoops of strawberry ice cream on a waffle cone and Eliott insists he pays. Lucas walks away with towering desert a blush on his face. He has a tough time talking and is grateful that he has his ice cream to occupy him. The atmosphere, with the two of them walking down the street together, both engrossed in their treat feels too much like a date for Lucas to be comfortable with. But he says nothing. When his ice cream starts to melt and cover his hands he scrambles to lick up his mess, laughing at himself. Eliott snorts and Lucas smiles up at him feeling the ice cream dripping down his chin. 

_****_

“Shut up.” 

_****_

_****_

“I didn’t say anything.” 

_****_

“Yes you did." 

_****_

Eliott doesn’t deny it but he continues walking until they're infront of Lucas’ apartment. Lucas fumbles with his keys, back turned towards Eliott but he knows the other was still there, standing and staring. He bites back the urge to ask Eliott to come up, knowing it would be a bad idea. He needs to remind himself that Eliott is a married man. That he lost his chances years ago. 

_****_

“Lucas.” 

_****_

He turns, eyes wide, door open. 

_****_

“Can we make this a weekly thing? Maybe watch a movie sometimes, chill? Listen to records.” Like we used to, is unspoken but Lucas finds himself breaking out into a smile and nodding his head. 

_****_

“Yeah, I’d like that.” 

_****_

So they do. He finds it beautiful that they are capable of falling right back into a routine. Months pass and Lucas feels the spark of happiness ignite without help. It becomes a constant again whenever he sees Eliott. Sometimes it’s once a week. Most times, it’s twice. And always at his apartment. They drink and laugh, eat and smoke. Lucas throws popcorn at the tv screen when they watch those romance films Eliott likes so much. And when it’s his turn to choose, Lucas hides under the covers, bites pillow corners and slams his eyes shut or covers his ears because he likes to make himself feel uncomfortable so it’s always the latest horror film playing. 

_****_

He does it partially because Eliott laughs so much at his reactions and sometimes, if he convinces himself, the smile aimed at him throughout the ordeal is payment enough for the torture. Despite the lightness of their meetings, the calm that they both feel, it ends each time Eliott decides the night has gone on for too long. And Lucas always sees him out, Closes the door behind him and curls on his couch replaying the evening. 

_****_

Routine. Until it’s disrupted. 

_****_

Lucas doesn’t expect things to be different. Not when it just returned to a semblance of normal. But when he lays out on the floor just in front of the couch beside the coffee table, eyes staring and unblinking up at the smoke that cloaks the shine of the ceiling lights, the last thing he expects to hear is Elliott's voice penetrating his empty thoughts. 

_****_

“Can I stay the night?” 

_****_

“What?” Lucas scrambles up into a sitting position, mouth hanging open and eyes scanning Eliott’s face, looking for any signs that he was joking. That he might have misheard and his mind was playing tricks on him. 

_****_

Except when Eliott looks down his nose at Lucas, just a whisper of a smile on his face, he repeats, “Can I stay the night? I’ll sleep on the couch of course.” 

_****_

And Lucas wants to shake his head and tell him nonsense, the bed is big enough for two. But he can't open his mouth to even tell Eliott, that yes of course he can stay the night. 

_****_

"What about Lucille? Is everything okay?" 

_****_

He doesn't mean to pry and it was the last thing he expected out of his mouth but Lucas forgets that he is actually in control and he can make it stop but he's not sure he knows how to. 

_****_

" I mean… whatever it is,yeah. You can stay the night." But Lucas insists he takes the bed because honestly, watching Eliott attempt to sleep on his little love couch would be cruel, albeit entertaining. 

_****_

Lucas ticks the hours away and waits for the sun to rise with his eyes closed and his thoughts running a mile a minute. He doesn't sleep. All the noise, all the movements amplified and Lucas watches the lump on his bed through slitted eyes until the sun light shines too brightly in his face. For him to keep up the farce would be too blatant of a lie so he opens his eyes when morning comes. He lies on the couch unmoving. 

_****_

His breathing is heavy, like it is after every sleepless night. He's greeted with the sight of Eliott's back turned towards him as he whispers harshly into the phone. Lucas catches bits and pieces of the conversation but he's more than capable of putting it all together. 

_****_

"..'s a friend. No 'm not going to do…I don't care any--I was miserable, are you even listening to-. No. I'm done talking about this. I'll see you tonight." 

_****_

Even before Eliott fully turns Lucas has already relaxed his body and closed his eyes. He takes a minute and then breathes in deeply once and slowly cracks open his eyes. The act of waking up is far more difficult than he expects because his bones feel dense and Eliott is watching his every move. 

_****_

"Morning, sorry did I wake you?" 

_****_

No. Lucas shakes his head. Sleeping would be needed in order to be woken. "I need some blackout curtains. Stupid sun gets me every time." He yawns, hands coming up to catch it. "You sleep?" 

_****_

"Mm. I forgot how comfortable your bed is." 

_****_

"Only the best for me." 

_****_

“What are your plans for the rest of the day? Mind if I join?” Lucas doesn’t mind but he does look at Eliott. Looks closely at his face, the tired rings beneath his eyes, tousled hair. He looks like a put together mess, so Lucas extends the invite to hang with the boys. Lucas thinks little of it at first. He knows Eliott is fighting with Lucille and he only hopes it’s not because of him. He doesn’t wish that for Eliott, but he can’t help but appreciate that Eliott is spending more time with them all. 

_****_

He enjoys how Basile and Arthur give him a load of shit for not being around but there they’re the first to surround him. Yann plays it mutual, nodding with a smile, talking and engaging but he leaves his expectations at home. To which they are all thankful for. Lucas thinks it’s all great, that the gang was back together to their fullest capacity. He lets his guard down unsuspecting. 

_****_

And that’s how he finds himself three weeks later. Enjoying a night in under his covers. Alone. He plans to binge the latest season of his favorite shows when the incessant banging on his door rouses him from his comfort. 

_****_

He looks at his phone and isn’t surprised to see no notifications. He had no plans, made no plans. He wasn’t expecting any visitors. Lucas approaches the door anger sketched on his face at being disturbed so late at night. When he opens the door, Lucas is surprised to see Eliott standing there looking a hair's width away from falling apart. He doesn’t ask questions. Lucas simply ushers Eliott in, his hand a gentle guide on his lower back. 

_****_

He moves Eliott to the bed covers and wraps him up in a cocoon of blankets. When he makes a move to go put on some tea, Eliott grabs his hand and pulls him closer. Lucas lets it happen. He stands there cradling Eliott’s head, fingers running soothingly through his hair as his shirt catches Eliott’s tears that fall like a flowing river. 

_****_

They remain like that for minutes and when he feels Eliott has calmed he makes to step away only to be pulled back again. 

_****_

“Hey...hey it’s okay. I’m just going to put some tea on and I’ll be right back.” Eliott nods but he doesn’t let go. 

_****_

“You kinda have to let go if I’m going to do this.” Lucas chuckles quietly and wants for the fingers to unclench. “I’ll be right back. 

_****_

Lucas looks in his cabinet and puts on water. He grabs two mugs and forgoes making tea and instead pours two steaming cups of instant hot chocolate. He felt the moment called for something stronger. 

_****_

Carry the two cups over the short distance, Lucas uses his hips to nudge Eliott over, forcing the other to sit up on the bed. When he’s ready, Lucas hands him a cup and accepts the watery smile as payment for his hard work. 

_****_

For a while, they sit and Lucas picks at the sounds of the both of them blowing at steam, sniffling, and smacking lips as they attempt to sip a liquid to hot. Lucas doesn’t push and waits until Eliott is ready to speak, he looks at his laptop hanging precariously at the edge of his bed and he gets up to move it. His movement spurs Eliott into reaching for him again, keeping him stationed where he sat. 

_****_

_“What do you need from me?”_

_****_

_“Just…”_

_****_

_“Yes? Just what Eliott, speak to me, c’mon. It’s just me.”_

_****_

_“Just stay next to me.”_

_****_

_“...okay. I can do that.”_

_****_

When Eliott looks ready he sits straighter and his face is no longer warped, an unsightly image that always twists Lucas’ insides when he sees it. He holds his breath when Eliott speaks. 

_****_

“Lucille..” Lucas stares at him, watching intently, supportive. He might not want to hear anything about Eliott’s lovely wife, if only so it doesn’t color the vision he has of her anymore than he already does on his own, but he’ll listen if it helps. 

_****_

“She doesn’t want to have kids.” Eliott wipes at his face, eyes refocusing as he talks. He doesn’t look at Lucas. “Says, they might get what I have. Like I’m diseased Lucas. Like...like she wouldn’t be able to handle it if they came out like me.” Lucas watches as Eliott’s emotions get the best of him, Each time he blinks it spurs on a new wave of tears, his lips twist and Lucas feels his heart ache at the sight. 

_****_

_"I want two kids max."_

_****_

_"Only two little Demaury's running around?"_

_****_

_"Mmhm, and you how many-"_

_****_

_"An army."_

_****_

_"Lucas."_

_****_

_"The Lallemant's are gonna take over the world."_

_****_

_"...right. why am I not surprised?"_

And he’s never hated someone more than now in this moment. 

_****_

“You have to know that’s not true, Eliott.” He shakes his head, denying that fear that has consumed Eliott to the core. He sits up, places his cup on his nightstand and kneels.till he looms over Eliott, fingers gripping at Eliott's chin forcing him to look up. If his fingertips fell in love with the feeling of Eliott's skin on his Lucas didn't say anything. 

_****_

"And even if it were true, you'd have only the cutest little babies running around and there would be nothing wrong with them! They would feel so much and the best thing we could do is give them all the love. I would love them so much their little hearts would burst, because that's what they deserve." 

_****_

Lucas finishes with a flourish. His chest heaving slightly from the strain and the want that he has for Eliott to understand and comprehend what he's saying. Until his words play back in his head. And he realizes what he said. 

_****_

"Lucas…" Eliott starts off, eyes narrowed slightly in confusion. 

_****_

"I meant you and Lucille, how much love you guys would shower on your babies." He scrambled off the bed and stood to collect himself with his back towards the other. 

_****_

"Lucas…" 

_****_

"I'm sure she's just worried and if you talk to her everything will be fine." He turns back around, a smile locked in place. 

_****_

"Lucas." Something in his tone and the way he spoke, stops Lucas from rambling. His lips smack together and his eyes play tag with Eliot's face. 

_****_

"Hm?" 

_****_

"Thanks." Eliott beckons Lucas over, Pat's the spot next to him and Lucas, against his better judgement tentatively sits back down. He's not sure how long they stay like this but Lucas falls asleep curled up next to Eliott who has all his blankets. 

_****_

A position he would never give to anyone else, ever. But he lets it happen. What he never expected to happen was for this incident to set in motion a series of nights spent listening to Eliott vent or cry. And break down. 

_****_

He never turns him down regardless of the hour of the day or how tired he felt after classes. Eventually Lucas tells Eliott to take his spare key after finding Eliott sitting outside of his apartment for god knows how long. Waiting. Waiting for Lucas to come home. 

_****_

He talks about divorce. Not constantly but it comes up more than once. Lucas always notices how he sounds uncomfortable saying the word. Believing it to be a failure if he goes through with it. And Lucas doesn't help because he doesn't tell Eliott to stay with Lucille, doesn't convince him that maybe he needs to keep trying or keep talking things through with her. Most times Lucas remains quiet on the topic. He let's Eliott do the talking. 

_****_

Sometimes he speaks up and voices his thoughts. But he speaks quietly with his syllable slapped together and in a tone that is soft. 

_****_

"Maybe sometimes you just need to fail something to get it right?" Eliott looks at him unblinking and Lucas finds it unnerving, so he clears his throat, looking away. 

_****_

"Whatever happens, whatever your decision you know you've got your family and you have the boys too...and me. You'll have all our support." 

_****_

"I don't think I do." 

_****_

"What?" 

_****_

"I don't think I ever did, have you that is" 

_****_

"Eliott...I-I…" 

_****_

"All the times you laugh me away, your jokes and the way you hide behind them. All the secrets you kept thinking I wouldn't notice." Eliott looks up at the ceiling and clears his throat. "No...I don't think I ever had you." 

_****_

Lucas remains quiet because he supposes so. That it was the truth. That he was so scared, always, to tell anyone what he truly felt always to scared to say everything he really wanted to say. Never letting it show. But he turns and waits until he has Eliott's attention again. 

_****_

He smiles at him, wanting so badly to convey everything from the beginning to this very moment. 

_****_

_**We were such stupid kids. Such stupid, stupid kids**_ "...you have me now, always." _**Kids that were scared and in love.**_

_****_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me...do you like it when author's respond to your comments? I personally love when they do. Makes me feel like a conversation is being had. =)
> 
> Also. People cope with things differently. Some people cry, yell, make jokes. I gave Lucas that coping mechanism. I for one am very much the laugh at the situation and crack the worst possible joke you can to deal with the pain kind of person. It does not mean he feels no empathy or doesn't know how to show support. That's his way of dealing. And I hope that comes across correctly. Let me know if it does.


	4. I've messed up so much I just want you to know, I wouldn't trade it for the world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You aren’t the only one that keeps pieces of the past close to your heart, Lucas. I just so happen to keep one of the few right things.”

In the following weeks, Lucas notices how Eliott smiles more but comes around less. He only finds Eliott waiting for Lucas in his apartment two more times since giving him the spare key. 

Minor fights that Eliott is thankful to have a moment's reprieve from with his makeshift sanctuary. Sometimes Eliot brings over a bottle of wine, a six pack that they share. Snacks to munch on as they talk. 

Lucas finds it difficult to hold his tongue as he stares out at Eliott from behind the rim of his wine glass. He feels too comfortable, happy, and unsure of where he stands. 

"You know you've been spending a lot of time here."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"Mm. Not necessarily" because he loves it and never wants it to end. "People are going to start thinking you're having an affair."

"I can leave if you want me to?" Lucas shakes his head, laughter bubbling out before he can stop it. 

"No no, not what I meant by it. Just wondering, really, how bad things need to get before you leave her." **Because how bad was it for you to leave me?** Lucas thinks. 

When Eliott gets quiet Lucas does his best to backtrack. Reaching, Lucas puts on a movie but Eliott decides he'll leave early tonight and Lucas wishes he hadn't opened his big mouth. But he did and all he can do is nod, watch the movie by himself, and fall into a restless sleep.

By the time Lucas wakes on Monday, he feels like everything is...wrong. Like the air around him feels dead only brought to life by an artificial current and he’s walking through static. He sits in bed and scans the room seeing the empty wine glasses sitting harmlessly on the coffee table, the bag of potato chips that he is more than sure is stale from sitting out all night. 

Lucas scrubs at his face trying to get his bearings as he dresses for school going through the motions. Shirt, pants, socks, shoes. He throws scrubs into his satchel and checks for his notebooks and pens. 

He tries his best to shake the feeling, taking notes but retaining nothing throughout the day. When he gets to his internship, Lucas holds his tongue and ducks his head to hide his blush as his supervisor tells him to get his head out of his ass and pay attention. 

“We can’t have you fucking things up, Lucas.” 

Lucas nods his head and does his best to shake the feeling. He doesn’t succeed but he continues to take notes, his eyes sharper than they have been all morning. Lucas makes sure that any mistakes are rectified before noticed. Anger simmers at the surface of his skin and he feels it transfers from his fingertips to everything he does. Everything he touches. The dip between his brows becomes a semi-permanent fixture for the rest of the day. 

Feeling relief when he is told he could clock his time and head out after cleaning his station Lucas is eager to simply get his signatures and be done with the day. He doesn’t bother to check his phone or messages as he heads home. Opting instead to consider stopping by the liquor store and buying a bottle of wine to cap off his shitty day. 

_“I’m going to propose to Lucille…”_

_Are you?”_

_“I am.”_

_“Are you happy?”_

_“...I am.”_

_“Well then congratulations. For the both of--”_

_“I want you to be my best man. I mean, only if you want to…”_

_“Eliott..o-of course. Yes, yes I’ll be your best man.”_

_“That means a lot to me.”_

_“Well I would have killed you if you asked anyone other than me to be your best man. Even if that means murdering Yann. Or Sofiane. Or Idriss. Or Alex.”_

_“Okay, okay I get it. Best Man. It can only be you. That’s your spot.”_

_“...right. My spot.”_

So he does. Lucas treats himself to a fancy bottle. He holds the bottle tight in his hands, knuckles white as he carrie's it close. When he hops off the bus Lucas chances a look at his phone and sighs when he realizes it’s closing in on 9.

The walk to his apartment from the bus stop is a brisk walk. Short and needed. The air cool for early October. When he reaches his door, keys jingling in his hands, his stomach drops when the knob turns without resistance. He frowns, trying to recall if he locked his door early that morning. 

He can’t remember. When he opens the door, he is immediately assaulted with lights that he knew he never turned on, he hears a sink running and rustling. He wonders if it’s Eliott. Lucas feels dread settle in the bottom of his feet and he stands at the threshold of his apartment. He wills his voice to work. 

“Hello?” 

A gasp answers him and Lucas visible deflates, the tension bleeding out of his small frame, relief coloring his cheeks red. 

At his door Lucas places the bottle of wine on the floor as he sheds his jacket and takes off his shoes before grabbing the bottle once more. It takes him a moment to walk the corner and freeze at the sight before him. The first things he takes in is the speckles of blood on the floor near his bed. His eyes register Eliott’s bent form, sitting. 

When their eyes meet, Lucas wants so badly to rush at the other to envelope him in a crushing hug, to ask if everything is okay; to wipe away the tears. He wants to see light in his eyes and to make those frowning lips smile. 

The paper Eliott holds in his hands stops Lucas in his tracks. 

Crinkled and bent. Folded and creased in an all too familiar fashion. Lucas’ eyes sweep the floor at Eliott’s feet and for the second time that day, Lucas feels his stomach drop for an entirely different reason. Scattered all around Eliott were notes, some open some not with some of the paper stark white and new and others yellow and stained in age. An empty box and a lid lay discarded on the top of his bed. He registers the trembling in Eliott’s fingers but can’t bring himself to care. 

“Wh-what are you doing?” His voice comes out in a whisper, slightly disbelieving at what he was seeing. 

“I...I was looking for..” Eliott gestures to the cut on his palm, his words lost on him. “I wasn’t…”

 _“Eliott what are you doing?”_ Lucas feels the words rush out from the depths of his chest, dressed by an unfiltered anger that he can’t contain. He watches as Eliott’s eyes flicker, his mouth working open then closing no words escaping through his struggle to speak. 

Lucas forces his legs to move as he crosses the distance between Eliott and him, hands ripping the note out of the other’s hold. He scans the page and has to slam his eyes shut. He feels the familiar pin pricking sensation.

“You had no right to go through that box.” He’s shouting and trembling from the force. “These are mine. Mine, mine, _mine!”_ When he feels the brush of fingers on his shoulders, Lucas is quick to shake them off, his hand automatically coming up to slap them away. 

“Lucas…I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have. I-I didn’t mean to.” 

Lucas scoffs. He knows the process of having to fold and unfold all those notes having gone through the motions himself many times. It’s not something you stumble on and suddenly have everything at your fingertips simply by accident.

“Don’t _bullshit_ me, Eliott.” He hates how his voice cracks and he wipes furiously at his face refusing to cry in front of him. He squeezes his fingers, fist crumpling the paper. His chest heaves and he struggles to get air where he needs it most. He feels a cold settle all over his body, crippling him. 

“Why didn’t you ever tell me.” 

The question causes a new surge of anger to rush through Lucas and he turns in a flourish. His eyes burn and his body aches but it dulls in comparison to the pain that grips him from deep inside. 

“Why did you come back?” It’s not the answer that Eliott wants but it’s the question that Lucas needs to ask. He can tell how the question throws Eliott off balanced from the way he reels back, feet moving his body. 

“Tell me why you came back? Why you decided now was the time to be a decent friend again?” Lucas backs away from Eliott. Their gaze connect and he hates how everything he feels is reflected in those stormy grey eyes. Moments pass with his own breathing the only thing breaking up the silence between the two. 

“Nothing to say?” He hates how the silence is deafening and he feels something inside of him rupture. Lucas turns away from the other, walking over to his kitchen sink to turn off the running water. He braces his weight on the counter.

“I think you should go…”

“Lucas, no I…”

Lucas shakes his head unable to speak hoping the motion jump starts Eliott to make his way out of the apartment. He doesn’t turn to face the other but he hears the rustling and the eventual slam of the door. It echoes all around him and he’ll never get used to the sound. Lucas slides to the floor resting his forehead on his cabinets. In the silence Lucas let’s out his frustration. Let’s out all his hurt and pain and finally allows himself to cry. He wipes at his face and sniffles and even through it all he wishes he had the courage to ask Eliott to stay and talk instead of running away from it all. Like he always does. 

The hours tick by slowly and he doesn’t move but knows he must. He simply was not ready to put himself back together. Not alone at least. But he stands feeling stiff, regardless of the storm that continues to rage inside. When he checks his phone he runs through the series of texts that he hadn’t opened. All from Eliott.

_**I need to see you.** _

_**I’m coming over.**_

_**Lucas, she won’t sign.** _

_**wwhen will you be home?** _

_**do u have bandaids?** _

He sees the last message time stamped mere minutes ago. 

_**I’m sorry.** _

Lucas breathes out deeply. He doesn’t know what to say so he leaves the message unanswered. He looks up from his phone and makes his way to clean up the mess but stops short, eyes scanning the floor and bed for everything and finding nothing. He feels the panic creep and sink in as realization dawns on him. Eliott took everything with him. _Everything_. He dives, arms outreached underneath his bed, fingers hoping to come into contact with a familiar box but knowing he wouldn’t find it. A mantra of “nono _no_ ” whispered quietly in disbelief

His notes. His secrets. All of them. Every little piece of him. His confessions. His _ring_. Gone. And he stupidly let Eliott walk out with all of it.Lucas scrambles to dial Eliott’s number only to find that it brings him straight to voicemail. 

He leaves a message and he hates how he begs.

“Please, please give it back Eliott. Please please. I need them back…”  
….

Lucas doesn’t sleep. It takes fifteen days before he hears from Eliott again. Fifteen days of tossing and turning and checking his phone in the hopes that Eliott would call. Hoping he would show up and dump the box at his door. Fifteen days of trying to keep himself together. He goes to work and school ignoring the messages of his friends. 

Lucas misses two Sunday dinners in a row because he doesn’t know if he has it in him to put on a smile. He knows he looks like exhaustion personified. Bags prominent under his eyes. His hair an uncontained mess that he hides under a snapback on most days. He forgets to eat and worries at his nails, biting them to the point of bleeding. He tries everyday, calling and is brought immediately to voicemail. 

Lucas was at his wits end and finally sent a text, finding resolve in his exhaustion. 

_**meet me at the coffee shop today at 6 or you won’t ever hear from me again Eliott I mean it**_

He hit send before he could back out and that’s how he finds himself sitting and watching people come and go with their coffees and teas. It’s 6:10 and he tells himself five more minutes. If he doesn’t show then Lucas will leave and he will let go of everything. 

He lets himself relax when he sees the familiar head of hair peeking through. He doesn’t wave and doesn’t smile when their eyes meet. Lucas simply waits for Eliott to make his way over. He looks away when he feels Eliott’s eyes run a coarse over his worn out form. It’s a tidal wave of grey he wasn’t ready for. 

“Hey…” 

Lucas bites his lips. He can't stand the casual greeting as if he hadn't been ignoring his phone calls for the past two weeks. As if he had no clue the mess Lucas was in. 

"Do you want me to--"

"I want it back."

He sounds rough as he interrupts. His throat is scratchy and voice sorely out of use in the last couple of weeks. It’s easy to see that Eliott was in no better shape. He is torn and conflicted wanting to take in his disheveled appearance with quiet satisfaction and needing to see Eliott as his exuberant self again. 

“I’ll bring the notes by tomorrow. I...I couldn’t bring myself to read all of them. Only what I got to that night.”

“I don’t care about those.” 

Of course he cares. But the damage is done. He knows if he got them back now they wouldn’t survive the night regardless and even he felt a pang of sadness at the thought of destroying his own memories written down. 

“I want it back. I want my ring back.” 

Lucas watches as Eliott sighs deeply, his chest expanding as if a weight rested there and he couldn’t breathe properly. His eyes rest on the table for a brief moment before moving to stare out the window. Lucas is lost in the myriad of emotions that runs across his face. Minutes pass in silence and Lucas has no will to fight it when it happens. He gives Eliott time to collect his thoughts. 

It feels like years pass before Eliott straightens his shoulders and faces Lucas. He lays his arms on the table hands reaching and holding Lucas’ with a gentleness that he wasn’t prepared for. A gentleness that one would use when trying their best to not frighten an animal. 

Eliott’s thumb moves in gentle circles on the back of Lucas’ hands and Lucas melts. He knows to everyone walking by they look like a couple living out one of their best moments. 

“Do you remember...that time in the tunnel?” 

Of course he does. Lucas remembers everything with Eliott. 

“When I led you there and you were so scared but you followed me anyways?” The tender smile that plays across his lips is contagious and Lucas finds he can’t fight the small quirk of his own at the thought of that moment in his past. It was still one of his favorites. 

“And even though you were scared I kept turning on and off the flashlight...because I thought you looked cute when you were nervous and freaking out.” Eliott shakes his head in disbelief, his smile morphing into a grin. “Fuck, I was such a jerk.” He whispers. 

Lucas chuckles at the thought. Because yes, Eliott was a complete jerk that night and he deserved everything that happened to him. Lucas, however did not. 

“I ran out into the rain and you ran after me. You know, I was trying to get you to kiss me that night and I kept telling you nothing was going to happen and you said you didn’t trust me and I told you you could but then I proved you right. You ran after me and slipped in the rain and broke your foot and fell into me and broke my nose.” 

Lucas can’t contain his laughter because he remembers how badly everything hurt after that. The story they had to tell both their families. “ Well you got your kiss, didn’t you.” Because their lips did touch, just not in the way they wanted.

“Yeah, I did. Lucas…I need you to show me that you trust me the same way you did back then. And this time, I’m going to prove you wrong.” 

Lucas feels his heart beat fast in his chest. He doesn’t want to make the leap but he knows he will. 

“I don’t deserve this, after everything I put you through, after everything I did. But I promise you that I am going to make everything better between us. Just...give me a little bit more time.”

Lucas sees how Eliott’s throat bobs as he swallows thickly. He doesn’t know what Eliott needs time for, why he is asking Lucas to give it to him but he digs deep inside and musters up that trust from days past and he nods his head. 

He hopes that Eliott understands, if he fails him this time, Lucas won’t be able to stand up again. He is human and he has his limits. 

The brilliant smile that Eliott breaks out into sends hope shooting down Lucas’ spine.

“Now can I get you a coffee because you look like shit.” He says this with a smile but his gaze is saturated with concern. 

“Only if you get one for yourself for the same reason.” Lucas shoots back lightly. Eliott slips away, fingers loosening their grip and Lucas yearns for the touch the moment it’s gone. His eyes follows Eliott as he bounds to the counter to put in an order. 

Lucas doesn’t think he’s getting back his ring. Because, as Lucas has come to learn, when he trusts blindly things usually never went his way. There is a smidgen of hope that he won’t be right this time, that Eliott will prove him wrong. 

……..

Lucas isn’t sure what he was expecting but he isn’t angry. Meeting with Eliott helps him clear his head. Allows him to refocus and straighten out his thoughts. He’d be lying if he said the ‘good morning’ texts didn’t send his residential butterflies into a frenzy. They text back and forth regularly, or every day since the meeting happened and they've met up twice. Each time, the air around the both of them sizzles with an unidentifiable energy that leaves Lucas gnawing at his bottom lip long after Eliott leaves. Thoughts swirling inside his head so fast he can't pin one down to make sense of anything. 

Lucas let's all the confusion happen without question. Because he is still trusting blindly. 

When Yann and his boys reach out Lucas finds it in himself to respond. He apologizes for going missing in the past couple of weeks, putting the blame on his course work and internship. 

He continues to miss his Sunday dinners for the fourth week in a row feeling far to raw to take a step into that house. Guilt eats at him when Eloise sends him multiple texts that he leaves unanswered. 

He needs a bit more time to fully reset himself. When Yann invites him over for drinks on a Saturday night after his shift at the bar he gladly accepts because drinking is easier than facing those demons he hides away from. Because alcohol and Lucas have an unbreakable bond that he's not too proud of but really not so ashamed that he'd end it. 

When he arrives he is greeted by Emma at the door but his attention is on Eliott who stands in the background whispering with Yann, brows furrowed so severely that curiosity eats away at Lucas. 

As if sensing his thoughts, Eliott turns his head sharply and focuses his gaze on Lucas.The other breaks out into an easy smile stress lines dissipating so quickly Lucas questions if it was there to start with. 

“Hey!” His greeting is soft and filled with a buzz that jolts Lucas into action. He steps forward and meets Eliott halfway accepting a hug. He says nothing when the arms squeeze tighter than usual and the fingers thrum a quiet pattern on the small of his back. 

“Hey, are you staying for drinks?” 

“No, not tonight. I just had to talk to Yann about something. You caught me just as I was leaving.” 

Lucas nods his head and he doubts it is the feeling of disappointment that weighs his shoulders down but he’s been wrong before. On many accounts. 

“Yeah, okay. I’ll see you later.” 

Eliott brings their foreheads together resting gently against him, leaning so they share the same air for a moment. 

“Hey before I go.” Lucas struggles because he has to blink and clear his thoughts, unable to get the muted sound of Eliott’s lips sticking and unsticking from echoing in his ears, the only thing he hears with how close they stand. “Eloise texted me. She sounded worried, do me a favor and text her?”

_"Am I pretty?"_

_"The prettiest."_

_"You really mean that Luca'"_

_"Mmhm. Don't you think so Eliott?"_

_"Well...I think you're prettier than Eloise."_

_"You take that back. You don't be mean to Eloise, she's the most beautiful little thing I've ever laid my eyes on."_

_"Even prettier than me?"_

_"Yeah, Luca' even prettier than Eliott?"_

_"Listen here Eloise...Eliott doesn't even compare to how bright you shine. So get those thoughts out of your head. Like I said…the prettiest."_

“Mm...yeah I’ve just been busy is all. I’ll reach out.” Lucas breaks their contact and steps away his head craning slightly to keep eye contact. Eliott nods in understanding and before he steps out he drops a kiss on Lucas’ cheeks and uses his fingers to fix a strand of Lucas’ hair that stands out of place. 

Lucas can feel his cheeks go red and his mouth drop open slightly at the move. Before he can say anything, ask Eliott what these little moments meant the other is out the door waving bye to their mutual friends. 

“Lucas?” He turns to Yann pretending he doesn’t see the knowing look that is sent his way. Lucas flips him off. 

“What?” 

“Someone is a little testy.” 

Lucas shrugs, unapologetic. He’s been yanked around in far too many directions as of late and he feels like his emotions are being toyed with by a married man. He has just a little bit more than enough reason to be testy. So Lucas pops open a beer for himself, Yann and Emma without prompting and salutes them before drinking his down. 

He goes for hours, talking and laughing at the little things and doesn’t stop until the bright colorful lights meld together. At some point when his mind dances on some other planet and he folds under the soft presses of fingers on his scalp, he hears in the distance Yann’s voice an undistinguished garble as he talks into a phone. A phone that Lucas vaguely identifies as his own. 

“Oh, yeah. He’s right here.” Yann nods to whatever is being said, eyes darting over to look at Lucas conspicuously. “You want to talk to him?” Before Lucas can pull himself together he’s greeting someone on the phone enthusiastically. 

A girl. And he's agreeing to what's being asked of him without really knowing what's being said. 

"Sure sure. Yeah tell Mama Demaury to expect me next week. You bet I'll be there." His words clump together and he giggles at the sound of his own voice slurred. He handed the phone back to Yann and looks up at Emma with smile that bares his teeth. 

"Don't stop that thing you were doing." She acquiesces and continues to run her fingers through his hair. He falls asleep to the feeling and the quiet murmurings of Yann who is still speaking into the phone about god knows what. 

……

Lucas wakes with little recollection of the night before but Yann's voice rings loud and clear. His eyes follow the movement of the other as he walks at a brisk pace around the kitchen tidying up. Lucas doesn't stop his lips from dipping at the corner. His body sags deeper into the cushions. 

"And I'm supposed to keep a promise that I made while I was deadass shit faced?" He calls out and wants to wipe the grin off of Yann's face. 

"I don't know why you're making such a big deal out of going. I thought you liked the Demaury's?"

"I _love_ the Demaury's, Yann." 

"Well great, good. Wonderful. Problem solved. You've skipped out for the last month and it's now October. You can't just keep avoiding them unless you plan on cutting off all ties."

Lucas shakes his head. He has zero intentions of having that happen if he can help it. He would miss them too much. 

"Why were using my phone to call Eloise anyway?"

Yann shrugs his shoulders and gives a noncommittal hum. Yann pauses his cleaning and walks over to Lucas, stopping once he stands in front of the other. 

"You know what you should do to make up for bailing on Eloise for the last month?" Lucas shakes his head. "Put your suit on, go to their house to eat dinner and go take her dancing. She'd love that." Yann claps his own hands as if sold on his own plan. Like it was going to happen. 

"Matter of fact I'll text her myself and let her know that's what she can expect next week."

Lucas looks up appalled at the idea. "You can't just volunteer me like that, Yann what if I don't want to go dancing? And I don't even know where to go for something like that?" 

His eyes are wide as he watches Yann tapping away at his phone. The responding ping from his phone is unexpected. He looks down and feels himself deflate. 

_**Ahh I can't wait!! I know the perfect place, just bring your suit!!!** _

The smiley faces and heart emojis make him smile but he wipes it off when he hears Yann chuckle. He flips his friend off but inside he thinks seeing Eloise's excitement and happiness will be worth it.

“I don’t know how you always manage to get me into this shit Yann.”

“You get yourself in this shit.”

Lucas can’t argue with that so he keeps his mouth shut. So he opts to head home and wallow and nurse his hangover alone before he is due to go into work. He stops on his way to the door to kiss Emma goodbye and Yann doesn’t let him leave without a hug. His voice is quiet when he whispers ‘bye’ and ‘stop moping’, and Lucas simply jabs his fingers into the other’s ribs. Satisfied with his little violent act. 

Lucas lets work and studies fill his hours. Lectures and homework easily consume his thoughts until he feels ready to burst. His Monday and Tuesday passes with little excitement and by Wednesday he heads home ready to kill a bottle of tequila by himself. Overwhelmed by a sadness that lingers after a particularly taxing day at his internship. 

He isn’t sure if he’ll ever get used to putting animals down. He can handle the surgeries, the blood and gruesome sights. The abused and broken animals to far gone hit him the hardest. Especially when he knows, just by glance, when it’s too late for him to do anything. The tight feeling in his chest doesn’t stop him from holding his hands steady and does little to quiet his whispers of comfort, being one of the only two to witness and guide an animal through its last moments of life. Lucas controls his emotions until he is out of his scrubs and back at his apartment. 

He looks at his phone and chances a text to Eliott asking him for his company. He sends a picture of him holding the bottle of tequila while lying on his kitchen floor and captions it with a simple _**‘join me?’**_

Eliott doesn’t respond. He sends it to Yann. To Arthur. To Basile. He practically begs Imane to come over. His desperation lead him to extend the invite to Daphne, Manon. Anyone who would be willing to get drunk on a Wednesday night. 

He hears from noone. So Lucas drinks alone and goes into class on Thursday wearing sunglasses to filter out the light. His world spins for the rest of the day well into his shift at the bar. Feeling neglected by everyone, his temper is short and he has no patience to deal with being groped and hit on by strangers. Normally he would eat up the attention and flirt back for the tips. But a black cloud hangs over his head for the rest of the week and by Sunday he feels ready to combust. 

He is about to send Eloise an apology text. To tell her he can’t make it. But she beats him to it.  
He opens her message and sees a couple of images attached. One of her smiling brightly at the camera. The other someone has taken of her holding up the edges of a beautiful dress that she wears. It hugs her in all the right places. She looks happy and beautiful and the caption says it all. 

_**Can’t Wait!! I’m so excited.** _

Lucas has done many horrible things in his past. He’s lied and cheated his way through life but one thing he can’t bring himself to do is disappoint Eloise in this moment. So he buckles down and presses the heels of his palm harshly into his eyes. Trying his best to wake from his haze. He grabs a pair of dress pants and a nice button down shirt, his favorite silky maroon one that makes his eyes pop. He stuffs the outfit into a bag and, dressed in ripped jeans and a dirty white tee, Lucas sets out on his walk towards the Demaury’s. 

He’d be damned if he was to be the reason that smile disappears. He’s a bit chilled and wishes he brought a scarf of a light coat. It is mid October and the scratching of leaves on pavement is his only companion. When he arrives there are different flowers in bloom. Beautiful, full, and orange chrysanthemums and purple asters line the walkway. 

Lucas knocks his pattern and steps into the house without waiting. Moose stands by as if waiting for him. He bends at the knees and greets his furry buddy with a scratch at the ear. When he passes the living room he peeks his head in and stops in his tracks, perplexed at the sight that greets him. 

“W-what…” He looks from Emma to Yann who stands with a look that Lucas only label as supportive. Yann is dressed in a well tailored suit, a beautiful little red rose is pinned to his jacket. Emma stands next to him shimmering splendidly in the full glow of the late afternoon sun that breaks through from the window. They both have a knowing look on their face. 

"What are you guys doing here? Why are you dressed like that?" Lucas watches as Yann pulls a crinkled letter from the pocket at his side. Instead of answering Lucas, he clears his throat .

“I moved here years ago. Just my mom, dad, and sister. I wanted so badly to go back home. Back to what I knew. I had no expectations of liking this place. But then I met you. Lucas, you were my first friend and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.” 

Lucas stands there confused with his thoughts swirling, eyebrows knitted together. He watches as Emma pulled out a similar looking note from her clutch. She rolls her eyes at the words written and shoots a look at Yann who simply shrugs his shoulders. 

“Lucas, I once plotted Yann’s death. In gruesome detail if I might add. All for one simple fact. I thought you liked him as more than just a friend. Jealousy consumed me and I’m not proud of it but I’m done denying the way I felt. I think that’s what got me into this mess in the first place.”

Emma’s accompanies her note with a little chuckle. The both of them look at Lucas expectantly, they motion with their hands at the stairs that lead to the second floor. For a second, Lucas is scared to move but he turns his head and he can see, standing on the landing at the top Eloise and Imane stand next to each other just outside Eliott’s room. The door closed. 

He forces his legs to move. When he stands in front of them Imane smiles the brightest smile he has ever seen on her face. She holds in her hands a note. 

“Lucas, that first night you slept over. I didn’t sleep a wink. At the risk of sounding creepy. I laid there and took in every little detail. From the way your eyelids fluttered to the way you curled up on your side. How your fingers clutched at the pillows like a lifeline. I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to witness this ever again so I didn’t waste a minute of my time with you. I kept thinking how I wanted to discover every little peculiarity that made up one Lucas Lallemant. For as long as I was allowed to.”

Lucas feels his throat closing as memories assault him. He turns to face Eloise and he bites at his lips, not sure if he was prepared for what she was going to say. 

“Lucas, Eloise told me you were a better brother than I ever could be…” Eloise brings a hand to her throat as he voice gets heavy reading. Lucas wants so badly to go comfort her but he’s not sure he’s allowed so he stands back and hopes his eyes convey his support. “I’m in the right mind to agree. If you remember that day at the lake when she almost drowned and you saved her because I froze up. You were soaked and mama kept kissing you over and over again and saying thank you. You laughed and it must have been the way the sun hits you, the way your adrenaline pumped through your veins that made you so alive, all I could think was I wanted you to be a part of the family and yet be only mine. I’ll never forget. I fell so deeply in love that day.”

Eloise has tears falling as she folds the note back up and she reaches to open the door and gestures for Lucas to go into the room. Lucas takes unsteady steps, hesitant. When he breaks through the threshold, Imane closes the door softly behind him, leaving alone. 

Where the walls were empty and void all those weeks before when he visited not so long ago, now the floors and the walls were covered. Covered in hundreds of small and large pictures. Pictures of a raccoon and a hedgehog. Images dated. His eyes flicker back and forth taking in every detail. 

The raccoon staring at the phone and an unsent message. A sad raccoon hiding and peeking around the corner looking at an equally sad hedgehog. Lucas recognizes some of the images, memories of his childhood. Of all the fun times they had. He laughs when he sees the tunnel and a hedgehog donning a cast and a racoon with a broken nose. A majority of the drawings are dated from the year that Eliott was gone. All depicting how much he wanted to reach out. Some, as many as five or six dated on the same day. A little note hangs above the desk with no image attached. it was scrawled out in a chicken scratch that was unique to Eliott. 

_Not a day went by where I was not thinking of you_

It shows Lucas how conflicted Eliott felt during this time. They were both so stupid. When he is done looking once, twice, three times at the images in front of him, Lucas turns to the door and stepped back out into the hallway. Imane and Eloise are both gone. He walks down the stairs and steps into the kitchen, Yann stands by himself. He holds open the back door for Lucas. 

“You want to throw on your nice clothing before you head out there?” 

“Do I need to?” Lucas looks imploringly at Yann who, much to Lucas’ chagrin, simply shrugs once again. He rolls his eyes and takes his pants and shirt out from the bag and changes in front of Yann as quickly as he can. 

He smooths the palms of his hands down the front of his shirt and looks up nervously at Yann. 

“Yann...what’s going on?” 

Yann points at the door that he holds open. 

“Go.” 

It’s a soft demand and he looks over at Yann scared to take a step beyond the threshold. Apprehension clings to him at the creek of the screen door, his eyes glance left and right, up and down, for a moment it stays glued to the ground watching his steps and refusing to look up. 

When he does he is floored to see his surroundings. He inhales sharply when he meets the gazes, the smiling faces of everyone staring back at him. 

All of their faces telling him, _it's going to be okay, more than okay._

The backyard is decorated with the soft glow of fairy lights strung from tree to tree. Chairs are set out on the lawn but everyone is standing. They leave an open path from Lucas to Eliott who stands in full suit, waiting. 

Lucas walks closer until he stands near Eliott. To his left he sees mama and papa Demaury holding hands, their faces lit with an excitement he hasn’t seen in years. He turns and gives Eliott his full attention a frown still on his face. 

Eliott clears his throat. 

“Lucas I...I stole away a night that was meant to be yours..meant to be ours.” Lucas breath catches watching Eliott speak. His blue eyes follow the movement of Eliott’s hands, running nervously through his own hair, stormy grey eyes flickering back and forth before choosing to settle on Lucas’ face. 

Lucas blushes at the intensity of the stare. 

“And I wasted a year...no, years without you by my side because of my mistakes. Let me change that. Let me make it up to you. Let me give you all my days and all my nights. Because...because I’ve come to see that without you...walking is like walking without ground and I’m constantly falling. I’m always lost, without direction, even when I’m home.” 

Lucas draws in a quick breath, the force of it leaving him stuttering. He takes another step the distance between the both of them shrinking leaving him feeling unsteady. 

“I once told you I love you and you pushed me away. And I let it happen. I didn’t push because...because you were so scared and I was too. Lucas, I’m not scared anymore. I love you and I want to be with you. I don’t want our nights to end with an _‘I’ll see you next time’_ I want it to be _‘I’ll see you in the morning’_. I want to sleep next to you and I want to wake up to you. Because I feel whole, I feel right when I’m with you. When I hear you laugh, when I see you smile, you make everything I go through worth it.”

Lucas stands feet to feet with Eliott, his head tilted up staring at the man that he loved his chin catching the tears that decide, without his permission, to fall. His heart beats fast in his chest, a rhythm that has him thinking he was going to burst at any moment. When Eliott brings a hand up to clutch at his face, Lucas closes his eyes to the sensation. He worries at his lower lip with his teeth trying his best to stop the trembling. 

“I might be doing things backwards but there is no one here today who can convince that what we have isn’t special so do me the honor and help me fix my mistakes...Marry me Lucas?” 

Lucas shakes his head harshly and releases a breath, shaky. He’s crying because he can’t believe it. He doesn’t want to believe it in the case that this was all a dream. 

“...no?” 

When he opens his eyes, Lucas sees Eliott’s unsure and heartbroken smile. He is quick to grab Eliott’s face in his own hands and leans up while he draws the other down to him. He loses himself in feeling the touch of those rough lips on his made wet by his own tears. His fingers move on their own--up, down, over and mapping the groves of Eliott’s face. Memorizing with his touch. 

When he pulls away, Lucas keeps Eliott close, their foreheads touch, noses brushing back and forth slightly. His body shudders involuntarily. 

“D-do you mean it?” He doesn’t look at Eliott. Doesn’t open his eyes. He wishes his voice didn’t sound so rough and washed up. Hoarse as if he’d been screaming. 

“I mean everything I said. And I’m sorry it took so long for me to square everything away. I’m a free man to do as I please and to love who I please.”

Lucas nods his head. He nods it again and again and lavishes Eliott with small kisses on his lips, nose, eyes, cheeks. All over because he can’t get enough. He feels air tickle him as Eliott laughs. 

“Is that a no?”

Lucas pulls away and glares at the other.

“Yes....” He watches Eliott’s smile fall slowly. “Yes I’ll marry you, you idiot.”

It takes a second before that breath-taking smile is back on his face and Eliott lets out a loud whoop before pulling Lucas into a crushing hold, arms easily wrapping around Lucas’ smaller frame. 

He can’t contain his own laugh as he is lifted into the air and spun. The noise around them, a cacophony of shouting, cheers and laughter. 

The well timed “fina-fucking-lly!” causes Lucas to look over at Yann, his watery chuckles softer than his bright smile. His cheek hurts and his eyes burn but he feels an indescribable sensation. A lightness that settles in his bones and in his heart. 

When Eliott puts him down back on his feet Lucas takes in the looks and all the smiles and tears. He catches Eloise eyes and grins back at her. He feels something cool touch his fingers and when he looks down he watches as Eliott slides a black metal band on his left ring finger. Circling the band is a thin red string. It fits snuggly. Perfectly. And he is in awe at the sight of it. When he looks up, Eliott answers him with a smile. 

“You aren’t the only one that keeps pieces of the past close to your heart, Lucas. I just so happen to keep one of the few right things.” Eliott holds up his own hands, the size ten ring fitted to his own finger. The sight makes Lucas’ heart soar and he feels a fresh wave of emotions fill his chest to a point where breathing becomes difficult. Tears making it hard for him to see. Lucas feels lightheaded so he lets himself fall into Eliott’s arms. 

Exactly where he was meant to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I broke many of you with that whole year without talking thing...sorry? SO real talk though. Might put in an epilogue. If I do it's going to be straight fluff. Like adopt a puppy fluff... But I like where I ended this. It was so much better in my head as opposed to when writing it out. But you know...oh well. Also work just started up. So, you know, sadness. I hope you guys liked this one. I gave you the happy ending like I promised. It just took....a while. Any and all comments really make my day. Thank you so much for reading. I love you all.


	5. To Search for Bliss I Found You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He huffs a laugh as he leads Eliott frrom the living room to the bedroom. Married life wasn’t easy. It wasn’t simple and there are bound to be hiccups along the way. Lucas is far from perfect and he has far more problems than he has time to fix but so long as he is feeling his way in the dark with Eliott by his side, he thinks he can make it out just fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo. Epilogue that doesnt have everything in that I wanted? Wonder what that could mean.

“Is he the one?”

Lucas feels the weight, hears the steps before he hears the voice. In a matter of seconds the ceiling lights are gone and a shadow is cast over him. He sees the boots in his peripheral but takes a moment for himself. 

Is he the one. 

What a loaded question. Lucas looks up from his position on the floor. He doesn’t need to strain too much, seeing how the other is standing directly over him. He tilts his head and his mouth drops open slightly at the angle of his lover that greets him. 

An exquisite sight for his eyes to gaze at. Eliott stands, statuesque in all his glory, staring back down at Lucas. And Lucas eats it up.

Lucas has, over the years, learned to control the miniscule reactions that dress his face at the most inopportune moments. He feels the years of practice fall to the wayside as his cheeks flush and his eyes catch on the smoldering gaze. Desire licks at him from the inside out and it takes all of Lucas’ willpower not to reach up and out to grasp at Eliott’s legs, fingers tugging on his jeans to get him to come _down_. 

Something in the way Lucas’ thoughts play out on the smooth planes of his face makes Eliott snort a chuckle before dropping down to sit on the floor, legs folded like a pretzel. Graceful in his decent. 

Graceful in all sense really. Lucas can recall the warmth of wide hands that grasped his slim waist, accented by tailored pants, guiding him in a slow dance that was not quite a waltz and more of an easy glide or tangle of feet on the makeshift dance floor. Out in the open where all their friends and family watched with twinkling smiles and maybe there were a few crystalline tears that caught the shimmering autumn air. And all he could think of, with the setting sun dancing between the spaces created by thickets of trees in that fairy lit backyard, was how graceful his husband looked. 

It’s a moment Lucas holds dear in his heart.One he wouldn’t so readily erase. So dear that the heated imprints of fingertips remain scorched on his skin. So dear that Eliott, still after five months of marriage attempts to recreate for him most nights. Only, it was in dim lamp lights with quiet music filtering through speakers in the small enclosed space of a living room of their apartment. 

Just the two of them. Wih no one to interrupt. 

_“Ah, ah! Not so fast. You think you’re getting out of our Best Man dance?”_

_“Yann…”_

_“Nope. We are doing this and doing it right.”_

_“You really have to do this right now? Right at this moment? When I’m about to finally get my first dance.”_

_“You fucking bet your ass I am. You ready, Lucas? Cuz you’re leading.”_

_“What the hell would I do without you, Yann?”_

_“Wallow in self pity forever. I know, I’m the best.”_

_Lucas rolls his eyes. The smile he shoots Eliott is apologetic. The look he receives in return is a promise. One that wasn’t to be broken. They would get their dance. So Lucas turns towards Yann, eyes already rolling in exasperation._

_“C’mon hot shot. Let’s dance.”_

Eliott makes it so their wedding night never ends. 

There’s a growl and Lucas diverts his eyes back to the ball of fur that has made its home on his chest. He smiles and huffs a laugh at the tiny licks and kisses pressed against his chin. Shies away from the wet nose that nuzzles at his cheek. Insistently. 

Is he the one?

Maybe. Lucas can’t decide so he lets go of the pup watching as it trots off without a second glance back at him. He twists and turns on his stomach, allowing one arm to prop the top half of his body up so he is a little more leveled with those grey blue eyes that stare at him so intently. He blows at the strands of hair that flop into his face. 

When their eyes meet its as if it was the first time all over again. All those years ago when Lucas felt the breath punched out of him just at the mere sight of the new face in his neighborhood. Lucas wasn’t so shallow to think love blossomed from simply looking at the captivating visage. 

It was more the awkward shoulder shrug and a half formed smile that spoke of a level of discomfort that had no reason for existing. A discomfort that just was. A discomfort that drove something inside Lucas to approach the boyㅡ apprehension be damnedー and erase it from history. 

“Do you remember the very first thing you ever said to me when we met?” Lucas realizes it’s not an answer to Eliott’s question and he is more than okay with it. 

Because there’s a panic that acts as an agent. Tightens the skin around Eliott’s eyes just the slightest, dilates his pupils and stutters his breath at the question. Lucas has to stop himself from flopping over and laughing uncontrollably at the absolute fear on his face. 

It’s an unfair question, Lucas knows. And maybe Eliott knows as well but it seems his voice is stuck and he forgets how to speak. 

“...was it hi?” 

Lucas rolls his eyes. Typical. Of course the first words Eliott said when they first met was hi. But it was a ‘hi’ that was directed at Yann. Not at Lucas, who stood so inconspicuously in the shadow of his dark skinned friend. 

Yann responded to the awkward wave kindly with all the gusto of an extrovert. Answered the taller, gangly, new kid enthusiastically and drew out that quiet ‘hi’. Lucas remembers so accurately—or maybe he remembers it all wrong— how his own shy smile went unnoticed. 

How it was a quick once over, a fast glance of grey eyes, up and down the length of his body. Not a twitch of the face, not a second spent longer than needed on Lucas. 

He felt dismissed. Lucas doesn’t count Eliott’s first _‘hi’._ In fact, he aimed, and failed miserably at, erasing that interaction entirely from memory. 

Lucas uses his hands to leverage his body into an upright position. Once up he shakes off the white fur that clings to his shirt. Lucas catches Eliott’s concerned gaze and offers a soft smile to ease the worry. Arm outstretched he helps Eliott up into a standing position. 

Eliott looms over him and Lucas breathes in a breath of satisfaction, feeling safe in his presence. He steps closer, chin resting gently on Eliott’s chest and blue eyes gazing up, pulse jumping as if to tell him a secret. Telling him that although there is a ring on his finger, it couldn’t, he couldn’t believe this man was his. He wraps his arms loosely around Eliott’s waist, pulling their hips together. 

“I think we should come back. I can’t make a decision just yet.” He whispers this, knowing Eliott can still hear him from his position. 

Before Eliott can respond, Lucas stands up on his toes and brushes a chaste kiss on his lips then steps away, chuckling as Eliott trails after him. 

“W-wait…” 

Lucas doesn’t. He turns and walks away towards the entrance of the little adoption center. He stops, here and there, to say his goodbyes to the puppies that jump up on his legs with their paws extended. 

“I promise I’ll be back. Yes I will…” Lucas coos at a lab mix that barks at him. 

Lucas chuckles at the rescue and thanks the friendly receptionist at the front desk before walking out, not checking to see if Eliott was following. 

He can hear the rushed steps and finds it hard to contain his smile. 

When he hears the quiet “Lucas”, he tilts his head back and catches Eliott’s scrunched up face, brows furrowed, lips down turned. He can’t help it but he laughs. Lucas doubles over and holds his stomach and laughs because he feels so oddly loved. 

That Eliott would put so much weight on such a small memory that has no hold on who they are in the here and now, is so comforting. It makes him want torture him just the slightest. 

Lucas gives into the urge. 

“What’s wrong?” He knows the answer. 

“Did I introduce myself?” 

Lucas snorts. Shakes his head and reaches for Eliott’s hand, the taller boy’s fingers instinctively interlocking with his.

“Stop.” He tells him. “It’s not important, promise. Let’s go back home and plan to come back next Saturday?” 

There is something hesitant in his nod but Lucas feels the secure grasp of his palm and Eliott leads the way back to their apartment. 

They walk in a comfortable quiet, eating up the crisp and cool March air. The sidewalk is damp and still glistening from the recent rainfall. Lucas avoids each small puddle they come across while Eliott walks directly in them with little care. 

Lucas wonders: if this wasn’t bliss, what was. 

When they reach their apartment building—a cute brick building that stood five stories high—Lucas skips up the stoop, taking the stairs two at a time and unlock the front door. When he turns Eliott is still at the bottom of the steps looking up at him with a glint of determination that dances in the grey eyes. 

“I invited you inside to see my collection of action figures.”

That did happen. No, he didn’t say it to Lucas. As a matter of fact Yann was the only one that showed excitement at playing with the little plastic figurines. Lucas was not about to tell this to Eliott though. Somethings were better left unsaid. 

“Didn’t I say not to worry about it? It’s not important.” He holds out his hand, fingers curling slightly, beckoning Eliott and Eliott looks back at him, still for a second before he dashes up the steps. Lips set in a straight line and disbelief painted on his face. 

Lucas can read the stress in Eliott’s shoulders but feels that revealing what he said now would be far too embarrassing. Before Eliott can step in through the open door that Lucas holds open for him, Lucas reaches and grabs at the back of his shirt, stopping him from moving. 

He pulls Eliott just slightly before resting his forehead against Eliott’s back. 

“It’s silly. Just forget about it.” You can’t forget something you don’t remember. Lucas regrets asking the question. 

It’s silent between them for a second and Lucas thinks Eliott wouldn’t say anything further until the soft voice disrupts that silence. 

“Do you remember the very first thing you ever said to me? When we first met.” 

Lucas looks up and Eliott has turned his body slightly so he’s looking down at Lucas. Eyes focused on him. 

Lucas considers it for a moment. The question. He considers lying, bending the truth and telling Eliott, _no I don’t remember,_ but he thinks that if he does it’s going to come back and bite him in the ass. 

“Yeah.” Lucas’ voice is oddly quiet, as if scared to admit it. “I do remember.” 

“Then it is important.” Lucas is taken aback by the clear determination in his voice. “It’s important enough for you to remember the words you said to me and the words I said to you. All those years ago. I’m going to remember.”

With that Eliott walks into the building leaving Lucas to stare at him with eyes widened slightly before resting, hooded and aroused by that assertion. 

He didn’t have the heart to tell Eliott that Lucas remembered everything. All the words spoken and not spoken between the two of them. That Eliott would never be able to match Lucas’ level of crazed dedication. Because Lucas was already in love before Eliott ever was and knew he would need to commit every interaction to memory.

In the case he would never get what he wanted in the end. It was an obsession that he never expected, and couldn’t expect Eliott to match. He steps into the building ready to chase his lover down and drag him to the bedroom. 

He couldn’t wait to see how far Eliott would take this. 

…...

_“Oh boy, I forgot I had something to do for my mom. I’m just going to go and get that done and be back asap.”_

_“Want me to come? I can help”_

_“Oh no, you stay here with Lucas and play with Moose. Like I said, be back soon."_

_“B-but I can”_

_“No ifs, ands, or buts. Sorry Eliott, besides. I don’t think Moose likes me very much.”_

.........

Three weeks. Three weeks before Lucas was ready to crack. Ready to spill and tell Eliott the silly words that they both spoke to each other. The first words that they said _directly_ to each other. 

It was cute at first. When Lucas would be washing dishes and there would be a sudden slide of hands that travel down the length of his arms, a light brush of lips at the juncture of his neck. 

A nip, that forced a shiver up his spine, would be followed with the soft whisper of words. 

“Nice to meet you?” 

Lucas would laugh before shaking his head. “Nope.” His lips would pop around the word and he would instantly regret it as he felt and heard the sigh before the hands retreated and he was left to shiver for a completely different reason. 

Lucas was left feeling frustrated. He would be folding laundry, humming the latest song that played on repeat in his head when he’d be forcefully turned, picked up and tossed on the bed. The air in his lungs escaping at the force of his landing. 

Fingers leaving blazing trails up his side, on his back, his chest. Lifting,lifting and lifting and tugging his shirt, causing his heart to pump blood faster, making his vision rush away from him. Leaving him more than breathless and evoking a fire in the pit of his stomach. 

Lucas felt all control slip away as deft fingers worked open his pants pushed them down and alleviated some of the pressure before he heard it again. The unexpected words that curled and licked at the outer edge of his ear. 

“Would you like to stay for dinner?” 

Lucas feels his high crashing down and he cracks open his eyes to stare at Eliott. 

Was he serious? 

Yes, he was. He was serious at that time and all the times that followed. When Lucas shook his head, Eliott ended up letting out a sound of frustration before sitting up in bed, legs folded like a pretzel and hands running through his hair, eyes averted as if ashamed. 

Lucas opened his mouth to say something but Eliott caught him before he could. 

“Don’t even think about telling me.” 

_Lucas is lying on the floor, knees bent with Moose sitting on his belly. His fingers curled in his fur gently scratching away as Moose purred like a motor._

_His eyes are trained on Moose and nothing else because he's doing his best to avoid looking at Elioty. After what felt like hours but in truth was no longer than a few minutes, Eliott scoots closer to Lucas and tangles his own fingers in Moose’s fur._

_Moose opens a lazy eye and nudges Eliotts palm with his nose._

Lucas was thrown for a loop. His mouth worked open and closed a few times before he settled for pulling Eliott forward by the collar of his shirt and meeting his lips with the same energy Eliott just had.

He pulls back when he realizes Eliott is only half heartedly participating. 

“Can we just get back to what we were doing?” 

“In a moment. There’s something I need to do.” 

And just like that Eliott would waltz out of their shared bedroom without a second glance, leaving Lucas staring at his back, incredulous. 

After what felt like hours of staring, Lucas screwed his face up in anger and flopped backwards onto his bed huffing at being left alone to deal with a problem that Eliott created. He felt slighted and couldn’t help but think, he caused this himself. 

And every similar situation that followed. 

Lucas couldn’t let the situation sit any longer. After a long day after his internship, Lucas comes home around 9:30 at night, bottle of wine clutched in one hand. He is ready to unwind when he finds Eliott sitting in the living room in the dark, seemingly, thinking and staring at nothing as he nibbles at his thumb. 

His tall husband is curled in on himself and when Lucas flickers on the light, there is barely a moment of recognition to the change in his surroundings. 

“Eliott?” 

“Hm?” 

“Eliott.”

“Hm? Oh, did you just get home?” 

_Lucas feels like he is about to break the silence. About to break that awkward air with his own voice, about to say whatever dumb thing that is bound to pop up in his head just to kill the silence but Eliott does it for him._

_“...Moose really likes beautiful people, I can see why he likes you.”_

Lucas stares at him. He can’t ignore the slightly ragged look that drags Eliott’s face down, the noticeable bags that dampen the usual brightness of Eliott’s eyes. He clicks his tongue before marching over in his scrubs and plopping down in front of Eliott, placing the bottle of wine down on the coffee table behind him, non to gently. 

He ignores the slightly surprised look on the other’s face. 

“This has got to stop.” 

“What? What are you talー"

“I’m talking about you losing sleep over this stupid question I asked you close to a month ago?” 

Eliott’s face closes off as he tries his best to stand, but Lucas refuses to let him. He jumps up from his spot on the floor in front of Eliott and places his hands steady on his thighs, holding him in place on the couch. 

“No, you listen to me. This is dumb. This isn’t more important than your health. I should just tell you what you said and get this over with.”

Eliott remains quiet before he speaks up and he sounds so sad, Lucas wants to drag him into his arms and rub soothing circles on his back. 

“But it’s important to you...I don’t want you to think it wasn’t important to me.” 

Lucas feels his heart break just slightly at the confession. It makes him feel just that much more broken. Like something is wrong with him and he doesn’t want to admit it to Eliott. That he needs fixing. 

“Do you know why it’s important to me?” 

Eliott shakes his head.

Lucas closes his eyes and breathes in deep preparing himself to speak. He can’t help but feel just the slightest bit vulnerable. Even if he was only saying this in front of his husband. He would like to argue that it is because it is his husband that he feels that much more vulnerable. 

“Because...because everything you do and say is important to me. I commit everything to memory so I always have it with me just in case.” 

_I’m always preparing myself to lose you._

“Eliott, it has nothing to do with what you said. It has everything to do with the fact that it was you that said it.” Lucas admits this readily. 

“Lucas…” 

“So it’s completely normal that you don’t remember everything we’ve said to each other for the past eleven years.” 

_I’m the one that’s not normal_

“Lucas…” Eliott slides off the couch so that they both sit on the floor, curled up in each other’s space. Eliott rests his forehead against Lucas’ while his large hands move up to cup at Lucas’ cheeks. 

They feel warm and with their breath on each other’s lips, Lucas closes his eyes to the comfort. 

“I’m not going anywhere.” 

_I don’t know that for sure._

He nods despite the twist in his stomach and the irrational fear that grips at him. He is working on believing this.

“I’m going to remember everything we both do from now on.” When Lucas moves to protest, Eliott shuts him up with a kiss. 

“Not because I’m going anywhere. Not because I think you’ll disappear.” He presses another kiss to Lucas lips, and Lucas swears his heart stops dead in his chest because each time Eliott showers him with this type of love it feels like the very first time all over again. Unbelievable. 

“I’m going to remember everything moving forward because I want to cherish every moment with you. Everything you do, everything you say...it’s worth committing to memory and I am so damn lucky that you let me be by your side to experience it with you.”

Lucas feels himself soar at the words. He is pliant as Eliott wraps one arm around his waist, brings his lips to Lucas’ and uses his other hand to brace against the coffee table. He uses his own weight and strength to pull the both of them up from the floor as Lucas instinctively wraps his legs around Eliott’s waist. 

"I fucking love you so much." He swallows Eliotts laughter. 

_“...Moose really likes beautiful people, I can see why he likes you.”_

_Lucas feels his cheeks go red and the tips of his ears burn. Naturally Lucas rectifies this._

_“So...I’ve never heard of a cat that only likes beautiful people. Makes sense why he doesn’t like Yann.”_

_Eliott’s laughter was supposed to dispel the embarrassment he felt from the comment, the first thing this boy has said to him in the two weeks since they met. Instead, Eliott’s laughter only made him blush harder._

_Lucas tried to hide behind his jokes and disregard a comment said in passing. He doesn’t know what to make of it but he tucks those words away in his memory._  
\-------

Things go back to normal. Sort of. 

Eliott smiles more and has long since stopped trying to guess at the embarrassing first words. But his behaviour was slightly different. Different enough that Lucas takes notice. 

There would be times when he was reaching, standing on his tip- toes to stock the cabinets when he would be lifted suddenly and gently sat on the counter top, turned and facing his husband. 

Before he could get out a protest or an encouragement he found lips locked on his. In an embrace he didn’t quite try to get away from. 

When Eliott pulled away, and Lucas forgot his own name, eyes glazed, lips bruised and cheeks flushed, Eliott would seal the deal with a comment the fell so easily from his lips like it was second nature. 

“Your eyes are so breathtaking, I want to be the only person you ever look at.” 

And Lucas’ breath would hitch and he would lean forward to engage in more soul-crushing kissing and gestures with his hands for Eliott to carry him to the bedroom. 

Or he would be stocking the fridge. Bent at the waist when the fridge door would be pushed open further and somehow he ends up pressed against the shelving of his fridge, cold air blowing at his back as Eliott kisses him senseless. 

Panting, he’d say, “Eliott, the milk…” while his fingers tugged Eliott closer for more. They’ve crushed more than a few eggs during these rendezvous. Still, as Eliott slowly sheds his cloths, long skillful fingers pulling off Lucas’ shirt and running through his messed up locks, Eliott would whisper in his ears, 

“I forget how to speak whenever I look at you.” 

And Lucas would have to cover his face with his hands, still panting and whining for Eliott to stop. His actions only spurring Eliott to chuckle at his expense. 

They stayed in front of the fridge, the cool air a refreshing contrast to the heat that engulfed them. 

Lucas finally broke and asked why Eliott felt the need to continuously compliment him after one particular endearing moment while they finalize the paperwork for their new furry baby. 

A cute little Pomeranian that carried herself with a level of sass that Lucas instantly fell in love with. A little Pomeranian that played chase with him and littered his face with kisses and wagged her tail as if she was saying take me home. Lucas found he couldn't say no and quickly turned to Eliott to tell him, she's the one. 

As he held his little girl in his arms, signed the adoption papers and paid the fee, Lucas turned only to find Eliott beaming at Lucas, smile wide and laughter lines deep. 

"You have such a gorgeous soul. What did do to deserve you?"

Normally, Lucas would jump him...jump him and tear at his clothing like a fiend. What stops him is the bright red blush that adorns the receptionists face. Because she is privy to this interaction as Elliott has no care of who is around when he unleashes his attack. 

He does however thank the kind lady, grabbing at Eliott and dragging him out quickly all while careful not to jostle his new princess around too much. Only when they are in the safety of their home does Lucas turn to confront Eliott. 

"Why do you say things like that?"

Lucas stutters through his question. 

"You don't like it?" 

Lucas denies this with a slight shake of his head. On the contrary. He likes it a bit too much. 

"Well…" Eliott scratches his chin and leans close, pecking Lucas on the cheek before reaching to scratch their puppy on the head. 

"I can't remember my first words to you so I'm saying all the things I wish I said when I first met you. Everything you deserve to hear."

Lucas' mouth drops open slightly and his eyes widen just a bit at the news. He feels his heart beat slow in his chest and a rush in his head as he gets dizzy from the lack of breathing. 

"Breathe, Lucas. Breathe." Lucas can hear the laughter when Eliott speaks. He gently puts his baby down letting her sniff around and familiarize herself with the new home.

Meanwhile, Lucas pulls Eliott close. 

He huffs a laugh as he leads Eliott frrom the living room to the bedroom. Married life wasn’t easy. It wasn’t simple and there are bound to be hiccups along the way. Lucas is far from perfect and he has far more problems than he has time to fix but so long as he is feeling his way in the dark with Eliott by his side, he thinks he can make it out just fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the mistakes. This was a birthday present to myself and I haven't had anytime to edit. Sorry. There's marriage fluff. I'm not sure if this chapter really kept in tone with the other chapters but to be honest  
> ... it's hard since I wrote four chapters of angst and this is like....marriage fluff you know? 
> 
> Anyways please leave me a comment. Inwould love to know your thoughts. Did you hate it?


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